Step Five

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."


In your journey so far, you have been either reunited with or for the first time introduced to God as you understand Him. This will help to admit to Him the exact nature of your wrongs. The journey through Step Four gave you some awareness of yourself. Step Five will further aid you in your understanding of yourself.


Admitting

Admitting can often be the hardest thing to do. Are there reasons you would like to not entirely admit the exact nature of your wrongs? List these.

1. Fear of rejection

2. Judgement from others

3. Shame


If you have written something in the spaces above, get feedback from recovering people who have already gone through Step Five. How did they deal with this?

1. The writing helped me admit to myself and going back over the list in prayer was admitting to God. But going to my sponsor's house with that list was the hardest of all. She was wonderful and it was the most emotionally freeing thing for me!!!! I have never regretted it and it was a way of letting go that was so thorough that guilt from the things on that list have never "haunted" me again (well, after I had completed the other steps, just to be honest). I still remember them, but they are done. They are so truly in God's hands. There is no way to describe it. So feel those feelings. If you are like me, some things on there you hoped never to even think about again, much less tell someone else about them. The feelings are normal. I don't know of anyone who has really done their 12 step program who will judge you in any way. Most will rejoice in your victory!!! N.

2. I understand your feelings of fear and shame. I did my first Step 5 about 15 years ago, and I remember how nervous I was and those same feelings. I did my step with my Al-Anon sponsor and I knew whatever I shared between us stayed between us, trusting her helped my fears. As far as me getting past me fears enough to get the words out and admit/confess my wrongs, I guess I knew somewhere deep inside me confession is good for the soul, and I figured God already knew all there was to know about me, so it was just taking this "step" of humility to admit it, so I could be free from the past or at least confess the struggle and in sharing that I also made my sponsor aware I needed more "help" in that area. Afterwards I felt very free. I was light-hearted like a big ugly clump of yuck was lifted off my heart. I highly recommend it. Since that first time, it opened up my eyes to show me that *my* fears were unfounded and *if* I was going to be judged unjustly or rejected...well that is not*my* shame, I would say shame on them!! It has made it easier for me to share more openly since then and confess when I blunder or when I am heading down dangerous roads. I feel myself slipping and *I* know that *I* am in control and if *I* go to someone and confess, then it is no longer hidden and I can be held accountable for whatever it is I needed accountability. Does thatmake sense?? D.

3. My reasons were a fear of rejection, a fear of judgment, a corrupted view that Christians don't sin in the ways I had and that I wasn't doing something "right" or it would have worked-both of those would be shame issues. Each time I have shared my wrongs with others I have felt an overwhelming urge to run and hide immediately afterwards. This has lessened over time, but it is still there to some degree. What do I do with that? Hmmm. I guess I just make myself step out when I am aware of it. I have even said out loud to others, I want to run and hide right now. I feel stupid, ashamed, vulnerable, etc. Somehow just saying it out loud to others or God makes it less huge to me. Praying, journaling and positive affirmations all help me also. I think overall, I felt a sense of relief after step five. I was more bare, but less burdened. K.


Ask recovering people who have done their Step Five what some of their experiences were that they had in completing this step.


What I've learned so far in recovery, as head knowledge more than heart knowledge, is that if God created me, He must think I'm worth something. I know when I create art I, most times, I really like what I created. So I'm thinking it's the same with God. Through this recovery process I've been humbled, just looking at the ugly truth that I'm not as perfect as I want to believe. Admitting my faults makes it easier for me to try to accept and forgive those who hurt me and to understand them as real people who have both good and bad in them just like me. K.


Now you come to an hour of reckoning within yourself. Often, to your own harm, you continuously carry with you a list of things you have done wrong. It is now time to record this list on paper. List relationally and chronologically people you are aware of that you wronged and a brief explanation of the exact wrong doing.

Age 1-6

D./ Sister - name-calling ("fat, ugly"), fighting with her

Age 7-12

D./ Sister - fighting with her, threw a knife at her

D./ Brother - cut his finger with a razor blade, tickling him too hard

B., M., L./ friends - stopped socializing with them for reasons of peer pressure and concern over apperarances

J./ Mother - broke her watch right before she was going out to dinner with my father, hid the watch and lied about breaking it, would tell my mother she hated me

T./ Friend - called her a communist because she was Russian

S./ Classmate - wrote her a nasty note

J./ Friend - repeatedly called her a name that she didn't like, gave in to peer pressure by teasing her

J. and D./ Cousins - "dirty" talk one time while babysitting

Age 13-18

A./ Friend - mean to her on many occasions, gossip

Girl at Spanish Theater - put gum in her hair, lied about doing it

M./ Male Friend - performed oral sex on him

J. and D./ Parents - ran away once, left for Long Island to visit P. out at school after being told not to, pre-marital sex, pregnancy

G. and D./ In Laws - pre-marital sex, pregnancy, refused to get abortion to please them

P./ Boyfriend/Husband -pre-marital sex, danced with another guy at the prom, encouraged him to m. while I was on the phone with him, viewed p. with him

Age 19-25

P./ Husband - viewed and created porn with him

C./ Friend - yelled at her and audiotaped the fight

D./ Friend - laughed at something at her wedding that was not intended to be funny

N./ Son - abortion for medical problem

M./ H's Cousin - laughed at him at his grandmother's funeral/thought he was joking-he wasn't

P's Sister/ H's Friend - thought P. was lusting over her, embarrassed both of us

D./ Coworker - got her in trouble at work, used a derrogatory term in front of her

Baby ?/ Patient - flicked his foot because I was mad at the mother

S./ Nephew - while babysitting him he would cry a lot and sometimes I let him cry

M./ Dog - kicked him

G./ MIL - gossiped about her at work (she worked with me)

Age 26-35

K./ Coworker - called her a bitch

L./ Classmate - fight over an invitation to a HS reunion

K. and T./ Classmates - made fun of them

D./ Male Friend - had an affair with him

J./ D's Wife - had an affair with her husband

P./ Husband - cheated on him with D., threatened to tell others about his addiction and did so

P., A., and T./ Children - verbal abuse, spankings

M. and C./ Coworkers - opened my mouth about something said at a union meeting

G./ MIL - gossiped about her at work

A./ Coworker - put her in a bad light at work

L./ Coworker - commented on her showing up late and being a complainer

J., D., and M./ Coworkers - gossiped about their sick time

All Coworkers - sometimes called out sick when I wasn't sick

D. and D./ Siblings - played both sides of arguments

E./ P's Coworker - called her and threatened her job, talked badly about her nationality

BA./ Neighbor - gossiped about her

Age 36-38

K./ SIL - judged harshly regarding her drinking and the way she raises her kids, gossip

P., A., T., J./ Children - neglecting their emotional and spiritual needs

G./ MIL - gossip

D. and D./ Siblings - gossip

P./ Friend of Brother - gossip

T./ Niece - accused of stealing, gossip

C./ Employer - couldn't forgive her so I quit a part time job I held at the office

J./ Daughter - withdrew emotionally one time (I was being mean)

E./ BILs Girlfriend - called her "Lolita"

B./ Mom's Friend - detest her

GK./Children's Doctor - defamed her

M./ Cousin's Wife - called her stupid behind her back

E./ P's Coworker - used derrogatory names for her and her baby


Now that you have learned the exact nature of your wrongs, you will need to admit them to another human being. What type of person do you think this human being should be?

1. A recovering person

2. Non-judgemental

3. Someone not listed above whom I have hurt either in words or actions

Do you have someone picked out? Yes

If so, what is the person's first name and relationship to you? Well, anyone in group that is reading this has just gotten a glimpse at the kind of person that I have been. I may have to share this in a session with Kim, my therapist so that I can communicate it verbally.

When did you communicate all of the information you wrote down in this step to someone of the same sex? I haven't yet, but I will make an appointment to do so.

Did you hold anything back that you were too embarrassed to tell? No.

On a scale from 1 - 10, how would you rate yourself on your Step Five? I think I would say about a 9. I feel pretty confident that I wrote down all of my offenses, but I'm sure I could find more people who, if you asked them, would say I hurt them in some way. If I think of any more, I promise to add them to the list :) And as time passes, it becomes harder to remember exactly the things that were said. It's like you just remember hurting the person, but not always the specifics.