"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
In your journey so far, you have been either reunited with or for the first time introduced to God as you understand Him. This will help to admit to Him the exact nature of your wrongs. The journey through Step Four gave you some awareness of yourself. Step Five will further aid you in your understanding of yourself.
Admitting
Admitting can often be the hardest thing to do. Are there reasons you would like to not entirely admit the exact nature of your wrongs? List these.
1. Fear of rejection
2. Judgement from others
3. Shame
If you have written something in the spaces above, get feedback from recovering people who have already gone through Step Five. How did they deal with this?
1. The writing helped me admit to myself and going back over the list in prayer was admitting to God. But going to my sponsor's house with that list was the hardest of all. She was wonderful and it was the most emotionally freeing thing for me!!!! I have never regretted it and it was a way of letting go that was so thorough that guilt from the things on that list have never "haunted" me again (well, after I had completed the other steps, just to be honest). I still remember them, but they are done. They are so truly in God's hands. There is no way to describe it. So feel those feelings. If you are like me, some things on there you hoped never to even think about again, much less tell someone else about them. The feelings are normal. I don't know of anyone who has really done their 12 step program who will judge you in any way. Most will rejoice in your victory!!! N.
2. I understand your feelings of fear and shame. I did my first Step 5 about 15 years ago, and I remember how nervous I was and those same feelings. I did my step with my Al-Anon sponsor and I knew whatever I shared between us stayed between us, trusting her helped my fears. As far as me getting past me fears enough to get the words out and admit/confess my wrongs, I guess I knew somewhere deep inside me confession is good for the soul, and I figured God already knew all there was to know about me, so it was just taking this "step" of humility to admit it, so I could be free from the past or at least confess the struggle and in sharing that I also made my sponsor aware I needed more "help" in that area. Afterwards I felt very free. I was light-hearted like a big ugly clump of yuck was lifted off my heart. I highly recommend it. Since that first time, it opened up my eyes to show me that *my* fears were unfounded and *if* I was going to be judged unjustly or rejected...well that is not*my* shame, I would say shame on them!! It has made it easier for me to share more openly since then and confess when I blunder or when I am heading down dangerous roads. I feel myself slipping and *I* know that *I* am in control and if *I* go to someone and confess, then it is no longer hidden and I can be held accountable for whatever it is I needed accountability. Does thatmake sense?? D.
3. My reasons were a fear of rejection, a fear of judgment, a corrupted view that Christians don't sin in the ways I had and that I wasn't doing something "right" or it would have worked-both of those would be shame issues. Each time I have shared my wrongs with others I have felt an overwhelming urge to run and hide immediately afterwards. This has lessened over time, but it is still there to some degree. What do I do with that? Hmmm. I guess I just make myself step out when I am aware of it. I have even said out loud to others, I want to run and hide right now. I feel stupid, ashamed, vulnerable, etc. Somehow just saying it out loud to others or God makes it less huge to me. Praying, journaling and positive affirmations all help me also. I think overall, I felt a sense of relief after step five. I was more bare, but less burdened. K.
Ask recovering people who have done their Step Five what some of their experiences were that they had in completing this step.
What I've learned so far in recovery, as head knowledge more than heart knowledge, is that if God created me, He must think I'm worth something. I know when I create art I, most times, I really like what I created. So I'm thinking it's the same with God. Through this recovery process I've been humbled, just looking at the ugly truth that I'm not as perfect as I want to believe. Admitting my faults makes it easier for me to try to accept and forgive those who hurt me and to understand them as real people who have both good and bad in them just like me. K.
Now you come to an hour of reckoning within yourself. Often, to your own harm, you continuously carry with you a list of things you have done wrong. It is now time to record this list on paper. List relationally and chronologically people you are aware of that you wronged and a brief explanation of the exact wrong doing.
Age 1-6
D./ Sister - name-calling ("fat, ugly"), fighting with her
Age 7-12
D./ Sister - fighting with her, threw a knife at her
D./ Brother - cut his finger with a razor blade, tickling him too hard
B., M., L./ friends - stopped socializing with them for reasons of peer pressure and concern over apperarances
J./ Mother - broke her watch right before she was going out to dinner with my father, hid the watch and lied about breaking it, would tell my mother she hated me
T./ Friend - called her a communist because she was Russian
S./ Classmate - wrote her a nasty note
J./ Friend - repeatedly called her a name that she didn't like, gave in to peer pressure by teasing her
J. and D./ Cousins - "dirty" talk one time while babysitting
Age 13-18
A./ Friend - mean to her on many occasions, gossip
Girl at Spanish Theater - put gum in her hair, lied about doing it
M./ Male Friend - performed oral sex on him
J. and D./ Parents - ran away once, left for Long Island to visit P. out at school after being told not to, pre-marital sex, pregnancy
G. and D./ In Laws - pre-marital sex, pregnancy, refused to get abortion to please them
P./ Boyfriend/Husband -pre-marital sex, danced with another guy at the prom, encouraged him to m. while I was on the phone with him, viewed p. with him
Age 19-25
P./ Husband - viewed and created porn with him
C./ Friend - yelled at her and audiotaped the fight
D./ Friend - laughed at something at her wedding that was not intended to be funny
N./ Son - abortion for medical problem
M./ H's Cousin - laughed at him at his grandmother's funeral/thought he was joking-he wasn't
P's Sister/ H's Friend - thought P. was lusting over her, embarrassed both of us
D./ Coworker - got her in trouble at work, used a derrogatory term in front of her
Baby ?/ Patient - flicked his foot because I was mad at the mother
S./ Nephew - while babysitting him he would cry a lot and sometimes I let him cry
M./ Dog - kicked him
G./ MIL - gossiped about her at work (she worked with me)
Age 26-35
K./ Coworker - called her a bitch
L./ Classmate - fight over an invitation to a HS reunion
K. and T./ Classmates - made fun of them
D./ Male Friend - had an affair with him
J./ D's Wife - had an affair with her husband
P./ Husband - cheated on him with D., threatened to tell others about his addiction and did so
P., A., and T./ Children - verbal abuse, spankings
M. and C./ Coworkers - opened my mouth about something said at a union meeting
G./ MIL - gossiped about her at work
A./ Coworker - put her in a bad light at work
L./ Coworker - commented on her showing up late and being a complainer
J., D., and M./ Coworkers - gossiped about their sick time
All Coworkers - sometimes called out sick when I wasn't sick
D. and D./ Siblings - played both sides of arguments
E./ P's Coworker - called her and threatened her job, talked badly about her nationality
BA./ Neighbor - gossiped about her
Age 36-38
K./ SIL - judged harshly regarding her drinking and the way she raises her kids, gossip
P., A., T., J./ Children - neglecting their emotional and spiritual needs
G./ MIL - gossip
D. and D./ Siblings - gossip
P./ Friend of Brother - gossip
T./ Niece - accused of stealing, gossip
C./ Employer - couldn't forgive her so I quit a part time job I held at the office
J./ Daughter - withdrew emotionally one time (I was being mean)
E./ BILs Girlfriend - called her "Lolita"
B./ Mom's Friend - detest her
GK./Children's Doctor - defamed her
M./ Cousin's Wife - called her stupid behind her back
E./ P's Coworker - used derrogatory names for her and her baby
Now that you have learned the exact nature of your wrongs, you will need to admit them to another human being. What type of person do you think this human being should be?
1. A recovering person
2. Non-judgemental
3. Someone not listed above whom I have hurt either in words or actions
Do you have someone picked out? Yes
If so, what is the person's first name and relationship to you? Well, anyone in group that is reading this has just gotten a glimpse at the kind of person that I have been. I may have to share this in a session with Kim, my therapist so that I can communicate it verbally.
When did you communicate all of the information you wrote down in this step to someone of the same sex? I haven't yet, but I will make an appointment to do so.
Did you hold anything back that you were too embarrassed to tell? No.
On a scale from 1 - 10, how would you rate yourself on your Step Five? I think I would say about a 9. I feel pretty confident that I wrote down all of my offenses, but I'm sure I could find more people who, if you asked them, would say I hurt them in some way. If I think of any more, I promise to add them to the list :) And as time passes, it becomes harder to remember exactly the things that were said. It's like you just remember hurting the person, but not always the specifics.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Exercise 92
Letters to My Perpetrators
This exercise takes you a step further into healing from your abuses and/or neglects that you may have experienced. Much like you have already done in creating letters to help you resolve some of the family of origin issues, you must now write a letter to help heal these areas of abuse and neglect.
This letter to each of your perpetrators is for therapeutic purposes, not to be sent to the perpetrators. These letters are for your recovery, not theirs. It is important for you to confront the issues and not necessarily the person, especially not at this point of your healing and recovery.
In this exercise, write a letter you would read to your perpetrator. Imagine they are strapped to a chair and can't say anything back to you. You can say anything and everything you want to say. This letter can be full of hate, anger, disgust and many other powerful emotions. You can use any language necessary to express yourself. These events should have never happened, so your feelings are totally appropriate.
After you write your letter, you may want to do an empty chair exercise and read your letter to the perpetrator.
Dear D,
I know you have bad memories of me as your sister, but let me just say, I did try to be good to you.
From the moment I knew mom was pregnant with you, I couldn't wait to meet you. I really wished I could be a wonderful big sister to you, but I wasn't allowed to be. You already know that, as a child, I was chronically ill with bronchitis. So, from the second you arrived in the house, we were kept apart.
I remember the day mom and dad brought you home from the hospital, I wasn't even allowed to look at you. I kept trying to get a peek, but was told I had germs and could pass them on to you and get you sick. That was pretty much all I heard until you were almost a year old. Ever wonder why there are no pictures of us together?
I remember standing next to your high chair while D was feeding you. I asked if I could help and she said, "Get out of here. He doesn't like you." So I pulled back, but I still liked to watch you do things like roll across the floor, or crawl around. When you started talking, D taught you how to say "psycho." Once that happened, I knew there was no hope for the two of us being friends.
At the time, when you were D's "mini me," I hated you. I hated you for believing her, for imitating her, everything. All the cruel things she did, you did too.
Now, you're the only one who understands me when I talk about living under D's regime, the manipulation and the mind games. Finally, years later, validation. Thank you.
Love,
D
Dear Grandma,
I know you were only trying to make people laugh, but all of the things you said really hurt me. I always felt fat and ugly and the things you said just reinforced everything I knew to be true about myself. Now I know where mom and D got that from.
I'm really glad to say, too, that mom is alive and well. I don't know how I would have carried around all of the guilt you heaped on if she died when I was young.
Everyone remembers you as someone who loved to laugh. I remember you as liking to laugh at the expense of others.
Dear Grandpa,
Maybe if you took your head out of the blackberry brandy or the whiskey once in a while, you'd have seen that we weren't troublesome children, but that you were just a nasty drunk that didn't like kids making noise. But why clean up your act for us? You couldn't even do it for your own sons.
B,
You suck! You're one of the worst of them all! If you were here right now, I'd kick your stupid ass around the block, til you begged me for mercy. You didn't even know me, you jackass - you're the one who deserves a beating - not me! F--- you, you lousy bastard!
B,
You think I don't remember. You think you got away with everything just because I don't mention it. Well I do mention it. Only now, I say it to people who matter, people who can do something. Not weak people, like my mother. You're not so big anymore. One false move with a child, and I'll blow the whistle on you. I'll tell my story faster than you can say "molester."
D,
WTF did I ever do to you? Why did you hate me so much?
And let me ask you...how does it feel to have everyone think you're a lesbian? Because that's what everyone thinks, D. Whether or not it's true, that's what they think of you. You "couldn't afford" Christmas gifts for your own sister and brother for the past five years, but you can afford to buy Deb the loaded up iPod for Christmas? The two of you can together afford to go gambling at the casino every other weekend. Or the trips to Cape May, or Las Vegas, or Nova Scotia. But you can't kick in twenty bucks for the two people that share your DNA? Or maybe it's just that you have no interest in either one of us.
I guess it makes sense that you would turn D against me as a child. More strength for your side in the war you were waging on me. Gain support for the theory that I was "psycho." If I was, you made me that way.
And the lies you would tell...I'm sure you told them so many times that you actually believe them. Well let me clarify for you...those things never happened, you asshole! The scaffolding, the frisbee on the roof, and all of the other BS stories you told your friends with me as the butt of the joke...they never happened! No matter how much people laughed, D, they never happened.
At least, at this point in our lives, I can tolerate being in the same room with you for an evening. But that's about all I do. I tolerate you. Even that, I don't always do well. D has given up on you ever being a sister to him again. Do you care that you have alienated both of your siblings? I guess not because you have Deb for that. I guess she can be the sister you always wished you had. Well screw her too. She's just an idiot for believing all of your BS stories.
Dear Mom,
I didn't write anything else to dad because I addressed most of the stuff in my first letter to him. With you, on the other hand, I've got a little more work to do.
For one thing, why didn't you ever protect me from that beast of a child that you bore? She was an animal and, today, you are willing to admit that. So where the hell were you when she was torturing me? Why was she never told to knock it off? I know I tattled on her on countless occasions. It's not like you didn't know what was going on.
And, why didn't you tell dad what was going on with B? I remember you said, "Your father would kill him if he knew." So? Why would you protect him? You wouldn't rescue me and you wouldn't let anyone else rescue me either. And you still continue to have that bastard to your house when I am there. I guess I just have to "suck it up," right?
Finally, you let that son of a bitch, B, beat my ass. You stood right there and wouldn't tell him to take his hands off of me. Your own daughter, you let someone else beat while you stood and watched. F--- you, lady! You never protected me from any of my abusers, frankly, you offered me in effigy! Thanks a lot, mom!
This exercise takes you a step further into healing from your abuses and/or neglects that you may have experienced. Much like you have already done in creating letters to help you resolve some of the family of origin issues, you must now write a letter to help heal these areas of abuse and neglect.
This letter to each of your perpetrators is for therapeutic purposes, not to be sent to the perpetrators. These letters are for your recovery, not theirs. It is important for you to confront the issues and not necessarily the person, especially not at this point of your healing and recovery.
In this exercise, write a letter you would read to your perpetrator. Imagine they are strapped to a chair and can't say anything back to you. You can say anything and everything you want to say. This letter can be full of hate, anger, disgust and many other powerful emotions. You can use any language necessary to express yourself. These events should have never happened, so your feelings are totally appropriate.
After you write your letter, you may want to do an empty chair exercise and read your letter to the perpetrator.
Dear D,
I know you have bad memories of me as your sister, but let me just say, I did try to be good to you.
From the moment I knew mom was pregnant with you, I couldn't wait to meet you. I really wished I could be a wonderful big sister to you, but I wasn't allowed to be. You already know that, as a child, I was chronically ill with bronchitis. So, from the second you arrived in the house, we were kept apart.
I remember the day mom and dad brought you home from the hospital, I wasn't even allowed to look at you. I kept trying to get a peek, but was told I had germs and could pass them on to you and get you sick. That was pretty much all I heard until you were almost a year old. Ever wonder why there are no pictures of us together?
I remember standing next to your high chair while D was feeding you. I asked if I could help and she said, "Get out of here. He doesn't like you." So I pulled back, but I still liked to watch you do things like roll across the floor, or crawl around. When you started talking, D taught you how to say "psycho." Once that happened, I knew there was no hope for the two of us being friends.
At the time, when you were D's "mini me," I hated you. I hated you for believing her, for imitating her, everything. All the cruel things she did, you did too.
Now, you're the only one who understands me when I talk about living under D's regime, the manipulation and the mind games. Finally, years later, validation. Thank you.
Love,
D
Dear Grandma,
I know you were only trying to make people laugh, but all of the things you said really hurt me. I always felt fat and ugly and the things you said just reinforced everything I knew to be true about myself. Now I know where mom and D got that from.
I'm really glad to say, too, that mom is alive and well. I don't know how I would have carried around all of the guilt you heaped on if she died when I was young.
Everyone remembers you as someone who loved to laugh. I remember you as liking to laugh at the expense of others.
Dear Grandpa,
Maybe if you took your head out of the blackberry brandy or the whiskey once in a while, you'd have seen that we weren't troublesome children, but that you were just a nasty drunk that didn't like kids making noise. But why clean up your act for us? You couldn't even do it for your own sons.
B,
You suck! You're one of the worst of them all! If you were here right now, I'd kick your stupid ass around the block, til you begged me for mercy. You didn't even know me, you jackass - you're the one who deserves a beating - not me! F--- you, you lousy bastard!
B,
You think I don't remember. You think you got away with everything just because I don't mention it. Well I do mention it. Only now, I say it to people who matter, people who can do something. Not weak people, like my mother. You're not so big anymore. One false move with a child, and I'll blow the whistle on you. I'll tell my story faster than you can say "molester."
D,
WTF did I ever do to you? Why did you hate me so much?
And let me ask you...how does it feel to have everyone think you're a lesbian? Because that's what everyone thinks, D. Whether or not it's true, that's what they think of you. You "couldn't afford" Christmas gifts for your own sister and brother for the past five years, but you can afford to buy Deb the loaded up iPod for Christmas? The two of you can together afford to go gambling at the casino every other weekend. Or the trips to Cape May, or Las Vegas, or Nova Scotia. But you can't kick in twenty bucks for the two people that share your DNA? Or maybe it's just that you have no interest in either one of us.
I guess it makes sense that you would turn D against me as a child. More strength for your side in the war you were waging on me. Gain support for the theory that I was "psycho." If I was, you made me that way.
And the lies you would tell...I'm sure you told them so many times that you actually believe them. Well let me clarify for you...those things never happened, you asshole! The scaffolding, the frisbee on the roof, and all of the other BS stories you told your friends with me as the butt of the joke...they never happened! No matter how much people laughed, D, they never happened.
At least, at this point in our lives, I can tolerate being in the same room with you for an evening. But that's about all I do. I tolerate you. Even that, I don't always do well. D has given up on you ever being a sister to him again. Do you care that you have alienated both of your siblings? I guess not because you have Deb for that. I guess she can be the sister you always wished you had. Well screw her too. She's just an idiot for believing all of your BS stories.
Dear Mom,
I didn't write anything else to dad because I addressed most of the stuff in my first letter to him. With you, on the other hand, I've got a little more work to do.
For one thing, why didn't you ever protect me from that beast of a child that you bore? She was an animal and, today, you are willing to admit that. So where the hell were you when she was torturing me? Why was she never told to knock it off? I know I tattled on her on countless occasions. It's not like you didn't know what was going on.
And, why didn't you tell dad what was going on with B? I remember you said, "Your father would kill him if he knew." So? Why would you protect him? You wouldn't rescue me and you wouldn't let anyone else rescue me either. And you still continue to have that bastard to your house when I am there. I guess I just have to "suck it up," right?
Finally, you let that son of a bitch, B, beat my ass. You stood right there and wouldn't tell him to take his hands off of me. Your own daughter, you let someone else beat while you stood and watched. F--- you, lady! You never protected me from any of my abusers, frankly, you offered me in effigy! Thanks a lot, mom!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Exercise 91
Ranking My Perpetrators
Ranking your perpetrator may seem like an odd thing to do, after all, any abuse, no matter what kind, should not ever be experienced by anybody. I know this as well as anyone. And in ranking, you are not trying to minimize in any way the pain each perpetrator has inflicted in your life.
In the next exercise, you will need to list the perpetrators that you have ranked as less severe than others so as to work up to the major trauma that will require a lot from you as an injured person. In practicing with these in a ranked order, you will be stronger and know the process and what to expect a lot better as you move into the higher ranked trauma events.
Rank your perpetrators, starting with #1 as the least offending to the most severe as the highest numbered abuse.
1. D./ Brother
2. H./ Grandmother
3. J./ Grandfather
4. D./ Father
5. B./ Uncle
6. B./ Cousin
7. D./ Sister
8. J./ Mother
Ranking your perpetrator may seem like an odd thing to do, after all, any abuse, no matter what kind, should not ever be experienced by anybody. I know this as well as anyone. And in ranking, you are not trying to minimize in any way the pain each perpetrator has inflicted in your life.
In the next exercise, you will need to list the perpetrators that you have ranked as less severe than others so as to work up to the major trauma that will require a lot from you as an injured person. In practicing with these in a ranked order, you will be stronger and know the process and what to expect a lot better as you move into the higher ranked trauma events.
Rank your perpetrators, starting with #1 as the least offending to the most severe as the highest numbered abuse.
1. D./ Brother
2. H./ Grandmother
3. J./ Grandfather
4. D./ Father
5. B./ Uncle
6. B./ Cousin
7. D./ Sister
8. J./ Mother
Exercise 90
What They Did to Me
What you may have experienced from your perpetrators has probably left pain for many years. This pain is often free-floating inside of you. You may rarely or never talk about what exactly happened, and so it may remain like an emotional blob of gel that you don't seem to have crystallized inside.
In your recovery, it will be important to have these pains you have been medicating all these years to be as crystallized as possible. This will be helpful for you to identify what exactly happened and later to process your feelings about these events.
In this exercise, you will do exactly that: crystallize the memory. In the previous exercise, you wrote down your perpetrators and their general offenses. It is now time to get specific. List the perpetrator and write down in as much detail as you possibly can exactly what your perpetrator did.
J./ Mother
Emotional abuse - shamed and yelled at me regularly. Shamed for my voice ("Your voice goes right through me."). Shamed for OCD-type habits I had (scrunching up my nose, blinking, turning on and off lights) which I couldn't help. Shamed for trying out new clothes/hairstyles (told I looked like a slut). Shamed for hygiene ("green teeth, swamp breath").
Physical abuse - slapped in the face for not doing laundry when she had company over, hit with a pair of sandals for asking for them more than once, hand crushed when in a public place if I was misbehaving in public, pinched, hair pulled, ears grabbed.
Spiritual abuse - telling me I was going to hell, or telling me to "go to hell." The only other thing (and this is kinda funny) was that my sister and I had these matching shirts. One said "I'm a little angel" and the other said "I'm a little devil." Guess which one yours truly had to wear (LOL). I remember being afraid of that shirt, too, 'cause I thought the devil would see me in it and think I wanted to go with him. And then when my sister outgrew the angel shirt, my mom wouldn't let me wear it. She told me she would buy the devil one in a bigger size.
Emotional neglect - lack of praise for good report cards, lack of participation at chorus/orchestra recitals, lack of interest college for me, lack of concern over my lack of friends, lack of interest in my interests.
Sexual neglect - failed to explain what sexual abuse was. When I told her what was going on, she told me to "Stop that kind of talk" and that my cousin would never do that. Gave me "the sex talk" when I was eight years old along with my sister who was eleven. This way she didn't have to do it twice. By the time I got my period, I had forgotten what she told us or I just wasn't paying attention when she told me, and I was really freaked out when I got it for the first time.
D./ Father
Emotional abuse - yelled at when we took off sick from school. Threatened with the belt for not going to bed. Confusion over his drinking, which included swearing and hand gestures to other drivers. He once accidentally touched my breast when he was drinking. He came home late after drinking on the eve of one Easter and was supposed to color eggs with us, but instead knocked over the bar in the living room, breaking all of the glassware behind it. And he would often drink so much that he would vomit, which scared me a lot.
Physical abuse - he hit me with the belt one time after he was drinking, which was unusual because he was usually a pretty happy drunk. But my mom wasn't home that time and I mouthed off at him for coming home drunk when he didn't even come home to feed us kids, so I got the belt for that. I don't remember what I did to get hit with the belt the other times, but my dad always used the belt, never his hand, when he would hit us. I didn't get hit often, but enough times for me to remember that it was more than once.
D./ Sister
Emotional abuse - holy crap. This chic was *mean* to me. She would hide at the top of the stairs or in my closet or behind doors and then jump out and scare me, and then laugh like crazy. She would tell me that if I would give her something (whatever I had that she wanted...candy, money, a toy) that she would play with me. So I would give it, and she would run away laughing and then never live up to the bargain. Or she would just blackmail me..."I'm gonna tell mom that you said the *b* word if you don't do what I say." One time when we were teenagers, she wanted a stereo. She told me if I paid half, that I could come in her room and listen whenever I wanted. I was allowed in once the first week she had it and then never again. And I paid $200 for that stupid stereo! She talked me out of going on vacation with my grandparents so that she could go, and talked our neighbor friend into playing with me while she was gone. She kept telling my little brother that I was a "psycho" and would teach him to call me that when he was learning to talk, and then would laugh when he would say it. She would call me "lezzie" or "lesbo" and tell my little brother that I was a lesbian. If I played with or kissed my little brother, she would call me lesbo and tell me the only reason I was kissing him was because I couldn't get a boyfriend. She would make up stories about me and tell them at work or to our neighbor. She told people I went on the roof to get a frisbee down and while I was up there she took the ladder away and I was stuck on the roof. Never happened. She also told them that she was chasing me with snowballs and chased me onto the scaffolding next to my bedroom window and she spent hours pelting me with snowballs. Never happened. The one thing that did happen that was probably the worst, was when we were at my grandparents house in Florida. The bathroom door didn't have a lock and while I was in there she took a picture of me on the toilet and told me she was going to show her friends. My mom never did anything to her to punish her for what she did.
Physical abuse - often! Punching, kicking, hitting, bloody noses, shoving.
D./ Brother
Emotional abuse - participated in calling me psycho, lesbo, lezzie or whatever the name was that day. He would tell my mother I was hitting him when I wasn't and then laugh when I would get spanked or yelled at.
H./ Maternal Grandmother
Emotional abuse - yelling, name calling. She once hung a picture of me in the bathroom. After I came downstairs from using the bathroom I asked why my picture was hanging in there. She said, "That face would scare the shit out of anyone as they sat there." She also told us, every time she would visit, that we were going to put my mother in an early grave. That my mom was going to die young because we didn't help her around the house. One day she kept calling me "Crisco." Finally, I asked, "Why do you keep calling me Crisco?" She said, "Because you're fat in the can."
J./ Paternal Grandfather
Emotional abuse - yelling, always yelling. Always asking my dad, "What are those kids doing now?" He was a very nasty drunk. My step grandmother had to call my dad to come and bring him upstairs one time because she couldn't wake him up. He got drunk and fell off of the barstool in his bar. He went to the hospital because he broke his hip that day. He died from alcohol withdrawal while he was there.
B./ Uncle
Physical abuse - the first and only time I ever met this person, I was six years old. My sister and I were watching something on television, and the kid on the show switched the sugar for the salt and vice versa. I thought this looked like a good idea, and nobody on the show got in trouble. So I went upstairs and put *some* salt into the sugar. I didn't switch them for each other because I didn't have anything to hold the sugar while I poured the salt in. So this man sees me and says, "What did you just do?" And I said, "Nothing." And he said, "I saw you pour salt into that sugar." Then he sat on the stairs and said, "Come here." So I went over to him and he said, "If you were my little girl," and then he grabbed me, turned me over his knee, and proceded to beat my ass. And not one adult in that room did a damn thing to help me. I hated everyone that night and didn't come back up until he left hours later.
B./ Cousin
Sexual abuse - I hate doing this...I don't know all of what was going on. Some of it was fun and I don't want to write it. Part of it is the shame, part of it is that it is not as bad as some people had it. I'm pretty sure there was no penile penetration. Right now, all I can say is that it was a game, and I was made to believe that it was fun. I was blindfolded. It was fun to have someone's undivided attention. He told me I was a good speller. I can't do anymore right now.
What you may have experienced from your perpetrators has probably left pain for many years. This pain is often free-floating inside of you. You may rarely or never talk about what exactly happened, and so it may remain like an emotional blob of gel that you don't seem to have crystallized inside.
In your recovery, it will be important to have these pains you have been medicating all these years to be as crystallized as possible. This will be helpful for you to identify what exactly happened and later to process your feelings about these events.
In this exercise, you will do exactly that: crystallize the memory. In the previous exercise, you wrote down your perpetrators and their general offenses. It is now time to get specific. List the perpetrator and write down in as much detail as you possibly can exactly what your perpetrator did.
J./ Mother
Emotional abuse - shamed and yelled at me regularly. Shamed for my voice ("Your voice goes right through me."). Shamed for OCD-type habits I had (scrunching up my nose, blinking, turning on and off lights) which I couldn't help. Shamed for trying out new clothes/hairstyles (told I looked like a slut). Shamed for hygiene ("green teeth, swamp breath").
Physical abuse - slapped in the face for not doing laundry when she had company over, hit with a pair of sandals for asking for them more than once, hand crushed when in a public place if I was misbehaving in public, pinched, hair pulled, ears grabbed.
Spiritual abuse - telling me I was going to hell, or telling me to "go to hell." The only other thing (and this is kinda funny) was that my sister and I had these matching shirts. One said "I'm a little angel" and the other said "I'm a little devil." Guess which one yours truly had to wear (LOL). I remember being afraid of that shirt, too, 'cause I thought the devil would see me in it and think I wanted to go with him. And then when my sister outgrew the angel shirt, my mom wouldn't let me wear it. She told me she would buy the devil one in a bigger size.
Emotional neglect - lack of praise for good report cards, lack of participation at chorus/orchestra recitals, lack of interest college for me, lack of concern over my lack of friends, lack of interest in my interests.
Sexual neglect - failed to explain what sexual abuse was. When I told her what was going on, she told me to "Stop that kind of talk" and that my cousin would never do that. Gave me "the sex talk" when I was eight years old along with my sister who was eleven. This way she didn't have to do it twice. By the time I got my period, I had forgotten what she told us or I just wasn't paying attention when she told me, and I was really freaked out when I got it for the first time.
D./ Father
Emotional abuse - yelled at when we took off sick from school. Threatened with the belt for not going to bed. Confusion over his drinking, which included swearing and hand gestures to other drivers. He once accidentally touched my breast when he was drinking. He came home late after drinking on the eve of one Easter and was supposed to color eggs with us, but instead knocked over the bar in the living room, breaking all of the glassware behind it. And he would often drink so much that he would vomit, which scared me a lot.
Physical abuse - he hit me with the belt one time after he was drinking, which was unusual because he was usually a pretty happy drunk. But my mom wasn't home that time and I mouthed off at him for coming home drunk when he didn't even come home to feed us kids, so I got the belt for that. I don't remember what I did to get hit with the belt the other times, but my dad always used the belt, never his hand, when he would hit us. I didn't get hit often, but enough times for me to remember that it was more than once.
D./ Sister
Emotional abuse - holy crap. This chic was *mean* to me. She would hide at the top of the stairs or in my closet or behind doors and then jump out and scare me, and then laugh like crazy. She would tell me that if I would give her something (whatever I had that she wanted...candy, money, a toy) that she would play with me. So I would give it, and she would run away laughing and then never live up to the bargain. Or she would just blackmail me..."I'm gonna tell mom that you said the *b* word if you don't do what I say." One time when we were teenagers, she wanted a stereo. She told me if I paid half, that I could come in her room and listen whenever I wanted. I was allowed in once the first week she had it and then never again. And I paid $200 for that stupid stereo! She talked me out of going on vacation with my grandparents so that she could go, and talked our neighbor friend into playing with me while she was gone. She kept telling my little brother that I was a "psycho" and would teach him to call me that when he was learning to talk, and then would laugh when he would say it. She would call me "lezzie" or "lesbo" and tell my little brother that I was a lesbian. If I played with or kissed my little brother, she would call me lesbo and tell me the only reason I was kissing him was because I couldn't get a boyfriend. She would make up stories about me and tell them at work or to our neighbor. She told people I went on the roof to get a frisbee down and while I was up there she took the ladder away and I was stuck on the roof. Never happened. She also told them that she was chasing me with snowballs and chased me onto the scaffolding next to my bedroom window and she spent hours pelting me with snowballs. Never happened. The one thing that did happen that was probably the worst, was when we were at my grandparents house in Florida. The bathroom door didn't have a lock and while I was in there she took a picture of me on the toilet and told me she was going to show her friends. My mom never did anything to her to punish her for what she did.
Physical abuse - often! Punching, kicking, hitting, bloody noses, shoving.
D./ Brother
Emotional abuse - participated in calling me psycho, lesbo, lezzie or whatever the name was that day. He would tell my mother I was hitting him when I wasn't and then laugh when I would get spanked or yelled at.
H./ Maternal Grandmother
Emotional abuse - yelling, name calling. She once hung a picture of me in the bathroom. After I came downstairs from using the bathroom I asked why my picture was hanging in there. She said, "That face would scare the shit out of anyone as they sat there." She also told us, every time she would visit, that we were going to put my mother in an early grave. That my mom was going to die young because we didn't help her around the house. One day she kept calling me "Crisco." Finally, I asked, "Why do you keep calling me Crisco?" She said, "Because you're fat in the can."
J./ Paternal Grandfather
Emotional abuse - yelling, always yelling. Always asking my dad, "What are those kids doing now?" He was a very nasty drunk. My step grandmother had to call my dad to come and bring him upstairs one time because she couldn't wake him up. He got drunk and fell off of the barstool in his bar. He went to the hospital because he broke his hip that day. He died from alcohol withdrawal while he was there.
B./ Uncle
Physical abuse - the first and only time I ever met this person, I was six years old. My sister and I were watching something on television, and the kid on the show switched the sugar for the salt and vice versa. I thought this looked like a good idea, and nobody on the show got in trouble. So I went upstairs and put *some* salt into the sugar. I didn't switch them for each other because I didn't have anything to hold the sugar while I poured the salt in. So this man sees me and says, "What did you just do?" And I said, "Nothing." And he said, "I saw you pour salt into that sugar." Then he sat on the stairs and said, "Come here." So I went over to him and he said, "If you were my little girl," and then he grabbed me, turned me over his knee, and proceded to beat my ass. And not one adult in that room did a damn thing to help me. I hated everyone that night and didn't come back up until he left hours later.
B./ Cousin
Sexual abuse - I hate doing this...I don't know all of what was going on. Some of it was fun and I don't want to write it. Part of it is the shame, part of it is that it is not as bad as some people had it. I'm pretty sure there was no penile penetration. Right now, all I can say is that it was a game, and I was made to believe that it was fun. I was blindfolded. It was fun to have someone's undivided attention. He told me I was a good speller. I can't do anymore right now.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Exercise 89
My Perpetrators
In the previous exercise, you took a look at the abuses and neglects you experienced during your growing up years. In this exercise, you are going to look at the people who were involved in these abuses and neglects.
I know at this point, you may be going into extremely painful territory. So painful that many of these issues may be the pain you were medicating for many years. It is important for your recovery and continued growth that you look at these abuses and neglects that you suffered.
In many of the incidences that you have experienced, you may have known the perpetrator's name. For some, these events happened in your own home by parents, stepparents, siblings or extended family. In other cases, there may be a casual relationship that preceded the abuse (i.e. a school teacher, another child at school, or a neighbor). You may not know the perpetrator's name. Maybe it happened once and you never saw that person again.
Whatever the name or relationship was, these events have been indelibly written into your life. Now it is time to write down your perpetrator's name (if known), relationship (if any), and the type of abuse that occurred and an approximate age that abuse/neglect happened.
Name/Relationship Abuse/Neglect Age
J. /Mother Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Father Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Sister Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Brother Emotional Abuse 10yrs. +
H. / Mat. Grandmother Emotional Abuse Ongoing
J. / Pat. Grandfather Emotional Abuse Ongoing
B./ Uncle Physical Abuse 6yrs
J. / Mother Physical Abuse 3-6yrs, 12yrs
D. / Father Physical Abuse ~10yrs
D. / Sister Physical Abuse Ongoing
J. / Mother Spiritual Abuse 4 yrs +
B. / Cousin Sexual Abuse 7yrs - 14 yrs
J. / Mother Emotional Neglect Ongoing
J. / Mother Sexual Neglect 11yrs +
In the previous exercise, you took a look at the abuses and neglects you experienced during your growing up years. In this exercise, you are going to look at the people who were involved in these abuses and neglects.
I know at this point, you may be going into extremely painful territory. So painful that many of these issues may be the pain you were medicating for many years. It is important for your recovery and continued growth that you look at these abuses and neglects that you suffered.
In many of the incidences that you have experienced, you may have known the perpetrator's name. For some, these events happened in your own home by parents, stepparents, siblings or extended family. In other cases, there may be a casual relationship that preceded the abuse (i.e. a school teacher, another child at school, or a neighbor). You may not know the perpetrator's name. Maybe it happened once and you never saw that person again.
Whatever the name or relationship was, these events have been indelibly written into your life. Now it is time to write down your perpetrator's name (if known), relationship (if any), and the type of abuse that occurred and an approximate age that abuse/neglect happened.
Name/Relationship Abuse/Neglect Age
J. /Mother Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Father Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Sister Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Brother Emotional Abuse 10yrs. +
H. / Mat. Grandmother Emotional Abuse Ongoing
J. / Pat. Grandfather Emotional Abuse Ongoing
B./ Uncle Physical Abuse 6yrs
J. / Mother Physical Abuse 3-6yrs, 12yrs
D. / Father Physical Abuse ~10yrs
D. / Sister Physical Abuse Ongoing
J. / Mother Spiritual Abuse 4 yrs +
B. / Cousin Sexual Abuse 7yrs - 14 yrs
J. / Mother Emotional Neglect Ongoing
J. / Mother Sexual Neglect 11yrs +
Exercise 88
Abuses and Neglects
During your Fourth Step, you made a column entitled "Ugly." In this section of your Fourth Step, you listed events that happened to you that were not your fault, although they still impacted your life. It is now time to look at these events and begin recovery from them as part of your recovery.
Many have experienced various forms of abuses growing up. Some emotional abuse instances could consist of being shamed or yelled at regularly, being cut down or humiliated. Emotional neglect could consist of not being talked to, nurtured or cared for, or asked as to how you felt. Physical abuse for some is being hit or watching others being hit. Physical neglect would include being improperly clothed, not having food for a length of time, and inadequate shelter. Spiritual abuse is sometimes being emotionally or physically abused while your parents justify this by their religious beliefs. Some sexual abuse instances would include exposure to pornography, verbal sexual innuendos, sexual touches, and any sexual behaviors between siblings or parents. Sexual neglect is not informing you about your body changes and about sex.
In the space below, check the areas of abuse and or neglects you feel you have experienced.
Abuses
Emotional - I was shamed and yelled at with some degree of regularity, moreso shamed though.
Physical - Though infrequent, I do remember being whacked on occasion. It is clear to me now
that it was always during times of extreme stress for either of my parents.
Spiritual - Probably my parents telling me I would wind up in hell was not a good choice on their
part.
Sexual - I was encouraged to participate in sexual acts with a male relative by him showering
me with attention and the sex acts being called a game. I was blindfolded during the
game, so I wasn't really sure of what happened.
Neglects
Emotional - The silent treatment was used often in my childhood home when I was bad. I don't
ever remember being asked how I "felt" about anything.
Physical - No
Spiritual - Unsure
Sexual - I was not equipped with information on sex or physical changes from my parents. My
mother swears she had "the talk" with me and my sister at the same time. Problem is,
my sister is three years older than me. So if she got "the talk" when she was eleven,
that would have made me only eight. When I started my menstrual cycle, I was
shocked and scared. I showed my mom and she said, "So what. Get a maxi pad and
put it on." I really couldn't believe her attitude toward me, then or now.
During your Fourth Step, you made a column entitled "Ugly." In this section of your Fourth Step, you listed events that happened to you that were not your fault, although they still impacted your life. It is now time to look at these events and begin recovery from them as part of your recovery.
Many have experienced various forms of abuses growing up. Some emotional abuse instances could consist of being shamed or yelled at regularly, being cut down or humiliated. Emotional neglect could consist of not being talked to, nurtured or cared for, or asked as to how you felt. Physical abuse for some is being hit or watching others being hit. Physical neglect would include being improperly clothed, not having food for a length of time, and inadequate shelter. Spiritual abuse is sometimes being emotionally or physically abused while your parents justify this by their religious beliefs. Some sexual abuse instances would include exposure to pornography, verbal sexual innuendos, sexual touches, and any sexual behaviors between siblings or parents. Sexual neglect is not informing you about your body changes and about sex.
In the space below, check the areas of abuse and or neglects you feel you have experienced.
Abuses
Emotional - I was shamed and yelled at with some degree of regularity, moreso shamed though.
Physical - Though infrequent, I do remember being whacked on occasion. It is clear to me now
that it was always during times of extreme stress for either of my parents.
Spiritual - Probably my parents telling me I would wind up in hell was not a good choice on their
part.
Sexual - I was encouraged to participate in sexual acts with a male relative by him showering
me with attention and the sex acts being called a game. I was blindfolded during the
game, so I wasn't really sure of what happened.
Neglects
Emotional - The silent treatment was used often in my childhood home when I was bad. I don't
ever remember being asked how I "felt" about anything.
Physical - No
Spiritual - Unsure
Sexual - I was not equipped with information on sex or physical changes from my parents. My
mother swears she had "the talk" with me and my sister at the same time. Problem is,
my sister is three years older than me. So if she got "the talk" when she was eleven,
that would have made me only eight. When I started my menstrual cycle, I was
shocked and scared. I showed my mom and she said, "So what. Get a maxi pad and
put it on." I really couldn't believe her attitude toward me, then or now.
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