"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."
Humbly
Humbly can mean a disposition, an attitude, a reverence, or a submissiveness. I can remember a couple of instances in my educational experience where I was called into the principal's office and there appeared to be a feeling of humbleness when I was waiting to go into his office. It was the feeling of knowing that this person can impact my life. They can have an effect on me and they have the authority to do something either positively or negatively, and I am at their disposal. This feeling of humbleness many of you may have experienced in your life.
What are some of the experiences you have had that caused you to feel humble?
1. When, as a new graduate, I accidentally gave a patient a medication without checking her blood pressure first.
2. When I got my SAT scores back and they weren't as high as I had hoped or believed they would be.
3. When my daughter calls me beautiful, because she is so physically attractive.
What are the feelings that accompanied you in those experiences when you were humbled?
I felt small.
I felt self conscious.
When was the last time you were in an experience like that?
Recently, when my private duty patient fell while she was in my care.
Asked
There is an old saying, "You have not, because you asked not." This is also true when it comes to your healing in Step Seven. Many have never honestly looked fully at character defects or limitations. For the first time you have an intelligent list to ask from.
What are some of the things that you have asked of God before and you have received them?
1. A healthy baby.
2. Passing my nursing board exam.
3. For Him to take care of my son during his surgery.
Many times it takes what some people call "faith," "trust," or even "hope" in asking. Some of you have felt so desperate and full of despair because of some of the shortcomings you have in your past or current life and feel like there is no way out. Now you come to a point where you can ask. Asking doesn't always mean it is going to happen the way you want it to or that you are going to be in control of the procedure. But let's go ahead and look at the possibility of asking.
What are some of the things in Step Six that you would like to ask to be removed?
(Here I listed all of my character defects from Step Six.)
Him
Him refers to God. At this point in your recovery, God is the only power greater than "ourselves" according to Step Three.
What are some of the aspects of God you are clinging to as you ask Him to do these things for you?
Discernment, mercy, gentleness, and wisdom.
Have you experienced these characteristics before in your relationship with God? If so, how?
Yes. I had a medically necessary abortion because the baby had a severe birth defect that was not compatible with life. We had planned the pregnancy and I was half way through the pregnancy when we were given the diagnosis during a routine sonogram. I didn't want to have an abortion. I was a Catholic. And I desperately wanted that baby. The doctor told me to continue the pregnancy was risking my own life. We had a two year old child at home. I was afraid to die and leave him without a mother. I was afraid to die, period. We went to the hospital where they induced labor. We were able to see and hold and say goodbye to our son. When I left the hospital, I felt like I was being supported. God was merciful and gentle with me.
Remove
We talked about remove in Step Six. This is where you ask for it to actually happen. You are beyond "entirely ready." You are at the physician's table and asking Him to cut in and remove the cancer and the things that ail you. You are asking Him to cut deep into your mind and will and remove. During this procedure, there may be a variety of experiences that you may have.
What are some of the experiences you are anticipating to happen?
1. Panic - that "no turning back" feeling.
2. Powerlessness.
3. Relief.
Have you had any experience with God removing anything else in your life?
Yes.
If so, explain what and how he removed it.
I had cluster headaches about 17 years ago and I prayed for Him to just take them away and they honestly just disappeared maybe a year later. I haven't had one since.
Did you believe or foreknow that He would do the removal the way he did?
No, I thought I would be plagued with them forever because my father has them.
It is true that the removal process is somewhat of a mystery. Who would think that to create patience, you would experience situations that would cause you to become patient? Who would think that in the process of becoming kind, you would have to actually change or behave in a new way?
Many of the processes which God is going to use in your life are not in your control, nor should they be. The removing is not your doing. it is clear that you are asking someone else to do something much like going to a surgeon's office and asking them to fix something. You don't have the insight or the education that the surgeon has, nor would you want it. You just have to trust that they have it and can do what you are asking them to do.
Have you seen God remove things in other people's lives?
Yes.
Was He successful?
Yes
What are some of the feelings you have of God being in control of removing the things that you have listed as being 100% ready to remove in Step Six?
I feel fear, of not being in control.
I feel trusting and secure that I am doing the right thing by letting Him remove these.
Our
Our is a great word in the Twelve Steps. It means that there is more than just one person who has gone through this and that you are not the only one who has to. You are not alone, nor will you ever be.
Who are some of the people you know who have done their Step Seven and what are some of their experiences after going through a Step Seven?
M - "My biggest shortcoming was that I didn't have any boundaries. Not towards myself, nor to H. or DD. Everybody could walk all over me and I was constantly manipulating everybody in my environment. It also kept me very much into the 'victim role'. Reading the book 'Boundaries' was a real eye-opener and I had a C. helping me to develop healthy boundaries and coping strategies in life."
N - "I don't remember any great Damascus Road feelings or experience. I think it would be difficult to ask God "humbly" and have any expectations whatsoever of a great feeling, revelation, or whatever. To me humbly has a connotation of leaving all (and I mean A L L) the results to Him. For me, so long as I hold on to my expectations of what I should feel, or what or how God should respond, then the humility is a little less and my own ego has gotten involved again."
J - "My shortcomings...well the biggest one I had which affected everything in my life...or should I say 'INfected' everything and everyone...was that *I* truly hated myself. It took the help of a counselor...and this is where take and toss really came in handy. This one thing he helped me gain and (keep gaining) victory. (Group name) also helped me ...My first retreat, at the end, I was given this beautiful verse that I taped on my mirror...I repeated it everyday and I as I looked in the mirror I would tell myself I was beautiful and deserving of forgivness and of being loved. I actually had to look back see myself as a young child and see myself as my neice...She looks just like me...I imagined touching her hair and how beauitful she is...and I imagined touching her silky straight hair...and how innocent she is...I then pictured myslef as that little girl and realized I was just a baby...this horrible thing that was done to me was not my fault. It was then I truly started loving and forgiving myself."
K - "For me, I guess I procrastinated praying through all my defects because there seemed to be so many and I didn't want to look at it all. I felt defeated. Also there is this fear I had that God would use some horrible tragic circumstance to rid me of many of my defects. God often uses trials to do this to people and he's done it to me before too. But as I forced myself to work through it, I saw that my defects are things that in the end leave me feeling empty and they also hurt my relationship with God and others. God's way of dealing with life is more rewarding. I also like scheduling a time a year from now to see how I have improved. I think I'll need to check back more often than that just to remember to depend on God as we both work through these."
Shortcomings
Shortcomings are the same things as defects. They are carbon spots or issues you have identified in Step Six.
Review your Step Six and look carefully over the defects that you said you were 100% ready to have God remove. On a seperate sheet of paper, write out your prayers to ask God to remove one character defect at a time. Don't rob yourself and try to clump them all together. Ask Him to take His knowledge and ways to systematically remove them and give Him full permission to rank them in His order. He sees the most important and viable issues. It is much like surgery. Sometimes the surgeon has to prioritize what is going on within the system. If someone has been shot, he has to look past something else to get to what is primary. Allow God to prioritize as He removes these aspects of your character defects.
(Done, but embarrassed to share my prayers. I'm not quite the "prayer warrior" that I wish I was...)
What was the most significant thing you learned about yourself in doing your Step Seven?
For me, losing my pride was crucial in doing Step Seven, admitting that I don't know everything and don't have all the answers. Admitting, or at least coming to realize, that God is in control. That He is not the servant of my agenda, but that I am the servant of His agenda.
It's been hard to imagine that I'm prideful because of low self esteem issues. I think I was equating pride with vanity or conceit. But I am definitely prideful.
Another thing I learned is that by asking God to remove these character defects, I am *sure* he will be giving me plenty of opportunities to see these shortcomings and how he is working in my life. My part in all this seems to be to stop running away from the removal process. I've prayed over these issues already, and there is still the fear that, like K said, God will use some horrible circumstance to rid me of these defects. My pattern in the past has been to avoid the pain, and go back to the old coping strategies. Now, I'm just going to have to push my level of comfort.
A scripture verse that I was told to meditate on for this Step was Matthew 7:7-11. 7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
I serve a loving God, who gives me exactly what He knows I need.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Step Six
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
Entirely
When you think of the word entirely, many pictures may come to mind. One of the most vivid pictures is that of a sprint runner who has her foot on the block and hands in the dirt in front of the white line while looking a the gun which is ready to go off. This is an appropriate picture for entirely. Entirely is 100% ready to do something. Many partners in the past have been entirely ready to destroy their lives for a relationship with the sex addict to avoid pain from the past. Now you have come to another point in your life where you are entirely ready after completing Steps One through Five to further better yourself.
What are some of the words you think of when you think of the word entirely?
1. Completely, totally
2. Wholly, 100%
3. All, fully
What are some of the feelings you have when you think of the word entirely?
I feel surrender.
I feel abandon.
What are a couple of examples in your life when you were entirely ready to do something?
I was entirely ready to go to nursing school. I had completed all of the financial aid forms, taken the placement exams, set up childcare for the boys, and was motivated.
I was entirely ready to go on vacation to Disney. Everything was packed, the house was completely cleaned, the house and pets were going to be taken care of by my sister in law, the trip was paid for, and the car was checked out and filled with gas.
What were some of the major instances that made you "entirely ready?"
I think it was just the determination to have my life "better" than it was. Better job, better pay, better time.
To Have God
Who has God become to you during your journey through Steps One through Five?
He has become my Protector, my Redeemer, my Fortress, my Hope, my Strength, my Victor.
What roles is He filling in your life?
Provider, Comforter, Friend, Guide, Life Coach, Counselor.
What feelings do you have toward God at this point?
Love, gratitude, peace, awe.
Why do you think that you need "to have God" involved in this part of your healing process?
Because I'm not able to do this stuff by myself. It has never worked before. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results. That is what I have been doing up until now. I guess it's like having something in your eye. Even if you can get to the mirror, sometimes you can't see to take the foreign body out of your eye. And it's one of those oddities where it's too freaky to touch your own eye, like how you can't tickle yourself. God's gonna have to do it for me. And I'm gonna have to let him, not by sticking my fingers in the mix, but by sitting still and keeping my eye open. This will be very difficult for me, the control thing again.
How have you relied upon God in the past?
Mostly, I've relied on myself and my own understanding - my defect of character called self-will, or self-sufficiency. Although, when my son was having surgery, I relied on God for comfort.
What aspects or characteristics of God are you relying upon to help in the process of removing your defects of character?
Forgiveness, discernment, compassion, mercy.
Remove
Remove is another word in your healing process that can mean something very painful for a partner. Remove in the form of an analogy can mean "to remove weeds from your grass, pulling them up" or in another picture to "remove a tumor that in the future could kill you."
What are some words that come to you when you think of the word remove?
1. Take away
2. Get rid of
3. Erradicate
4. Physically extract
What are some of the feelings you have when you think of something being removed from you?
I feel emptiness, but also roominess.
I feel pain.
What are some of the things that have been removed from you up to this point in your recovery?
1. My sense of control over my husband
2. Lots of my shame
3. The "God hates me" complex
How do you feel about these things being removed?
I feel lighter and more free. I feel really, really good. Like an ordinary human. I used to feel like a complete and total wretch. Having those feelings removed has been very liberating.
How has God been involved in the removal process?
As I've done each Step with the group, I've also done it with God as the person who is listening. It has helped to turn it over and admit that I can't do it without him.
All
All means quite a bit to anyone in the healing process.
What are some of the words that come to mind when you think of the word all?
1. Every
2. Each
3. 100% of
What percentage is all?
100%
What percentage do you want all to mean when you talk about removing your defects of character?
100%
Defects
What are some of the defects that you have seen in your past?
Ages 1-12
1. Strong willed
2. Insulting
3. Loud
4. Lying
Ages 13-20
1. Holding on to grudges, being hostile
2. Being a know it all
3. Gossiping, lying
4. Sarcasm
5. Strong willed
Ages 21-30
1. Holding onto grudges
2. Gossiping, lying
3. Sarcasm
4. Rude and insulting
5. Strong willed, rigid
Ages 31-40
1. Pridefulness and desire to always be right
2. Gossip and lying
3. Holding onto grudges
4. Rude and insulting
5. Sarcasm
6. Rigid
What are some of the defects you have in relating to:
Yourself?
1. Detachment, "zoning out"
2. Overindulgent
3. Lazy
4. Prideful
Your family of origin?
1. Unforgiveness
2. Anger
3. Judgement
Your spouse?
1. Impatience
2. Judgement
3. Expecting perfection
Your children?
1. Not fully present
2. Critical and harsh
3. Expecting perfection
Your employer?
1. Put off mandatories
2. Lack of interest in getting ahead
3. Pettiness
Financially?
1. Not tithing
2. Too flexible with budgeting
3. Not saving adequately
Socially?
1. Anxious
2. Pacifist - phoniness
3. Embarrass easily
Spiritually?
1. Wax and wane
2. Self willed, self sufficiency
3. Weak in scripture
At this point, take some time and compile a full list of these defects of character.
Place how long each character defect has been in your life. Now, looking at these defects of character, what percentage of each of these defects are you ready to have God remove? Write a percentage by each one.
Defects Length of time Percentage
1. Indifference/Apathy 20 years 75%
2. Laziness/Sloth 25 years 60%
3. Pride 35 years 70%
4. Unforgiveness/Resentments 35 years 65%
5. Quick to judge 35 years 100%
6. Quick to anger 35 years 100%
7. Overindulgence/Gluttony 22 years 60%
8. Impatience 33 years 100%
9. Perfectionism 35 years 70% (3/6/08 - 100%)
10. Critical 23 years 80%
11. Abusive/Harsh 22 years 100%
12. Procrastination 30 years 80%
13. Lack of drive to get ahead 20 years 60%
14. Selfishness 30 years 100%
15. Self centeredness 35 years 100%
16. Lust 12 years 100%
17. Anxiety/Fear 33 years 50%
18. Dishonesty/Phoniness 30 years 90% (3/6/08 - 100%)
19. Intolerance 12 years 80%
20. Wax/Wane Spiritually 18 years 100%
21. Self willed/Self sufficiency 35 years 90%
22. Stubbornness 35 years 85%
23. Hypocritical 22 years 100%
24. Envious 27 years 100%
25. Controlling 26 years 75%
26. Gossiping 18 years 90%
27. Self pity 35 years 100%
28. Pettiness 23 years 90%
Take time with each one of these character defects and write a paragraph on a seperate piece of paper about what life would be like without this defect in your life.
1. Indifference - I would find myself more deeply connected to the people I love, and passionate about their lives. I would be more encouraging towards my children's and husband's interests.
2. Laziness/Sloth - Life would be neater, cleaner, and more organized. Healthy food would be prepared on a regular basis. Less time would be spent trying to locate items. I'd be trimmer and healthier from exercising regularly.
3. Pride - I would be able to ask for help when I needed it and wouldn't feel so overwhelmed all of the time. I would stop spending so much time trying to hide all of these defects from other people.
4. Unforgiveness - I'd be releasing myself while at the same time releasing the other person. God will forgive me if I forgive others. I'd be abiding in Christ.
5. Quick to judge - I'd spend a lot less time being dead wrong. I'd spend more time listening to the truth. I don't want to be judged by the same measure that I judge others.
6. Quick to anger - living with a lower level of stress, I'd live longer and probably much happier. I'd be a better mother to my children. People would stop worrying about whether I'm going to "get mad" and whether they should lie to me.
7. Overindulgence - I'd be a lot thinner, I'd be saving more money, and I'd be more mentally disciplined.
8. Impatience - I'd have better relationships in general with my husband and children. I'd be living in the here and now, and not in the future. I'd be able to delay my gratification and work in God's timetable instead of mine.
9. Perfectionism - I'd be more forgiving of myself and of others. I wouldn't set myself or anyone else up for failure by having unrealisitic expectations. I'd be at peace, knowing that none of us is perfect.
10. Critical - mine and my family's self esteem would be in much better shape. My children would be free to be who they are and not who *I* want them to be.
11. Abusive/Harsh - honesty would flourish and fear would dissipate. Trust would run rampant.
12. Procrastination - I'll get back to this one (ha, ha!). No late fees on bills, more money, less embarrassment from getting things in late, more peace - a settled mind.
13. Lack of drive to get ahead in my career - I'd have my AS or BSN by now. I'd be employed full time, with no financial stress and be able to retire without worries.
14. Selfishness - I'd be tithing, making more donations, and having more fun with my family.
15. Self-centeredness - family relations would be thriving. I'd be a good example for the kids of how a family should interact, with everyone's needs being important and not just mine.
16. Lust - my motives would be pure and I'd have a clean conscience.
17. Anxiety/Fear - I'd be sleeping through the night every night. I'd have complete and total trust in God to provide for and protect our family. I would trust that God would show me what I need to know regarding my husband. I would be less overbearing with the children, because I would be trusting that God would be caring for them in my absence.
18. Dishonesty/Phoniness - I would be honest about who I am, what I believe, and what I know. I could easily admit my imperfections, my children's imperfections, and my responsibility for some of their imperfections.
19. Intolerance - accepting where SIL is in her recovery, accepting people for who they are and where they are in their lives spiritually, emotionally, financially.
20. Waxing/Waning Spiritually - more consistently attending church, reading the Bible regularly, paying attention to spiritual self care. Scripture committed to memory.
21. Self Will/Self Sufficiency - I'd be relying fully on God, praying for God's will instead of my own. I'd be putting God rightfully first all of the time in my life. And I'd finally let go of all of these defects and let God remove them.
22. Stubbornness - I'd be more flexible when changes need to be made, have a more "go with the flow" attitude. I'd be more accepting and respectful of other's ideas, plans, and points of view. I'd be more accepting of "defeat" in my life.
23. Hypocritical - I would be accepting no less of myself than I accept from other family members. The behavior I expect from my children, I would be modeling for them, instead of dictating to them.
24. Envious - I am content with myself and what I have. I am in a constant state of gratitude for everything in my life.
25. Controlling - I would be knowing that God is in control of everything, not interfering or trying to manipulate outcomes. I'd be in a state of allowing and letting.
26. Gossiping - I would walk away from gossip. I would speak of people as if they were physically present during the conversation and try to defend the person being gossiped about.
27. Self pity - I would realize that everyone has burdens, some heavier, some lighter, but that nobody gets out of this life without problems. I would be owning my responsibility for my problems, knowing that I am not a hopeless victim, and remembering to pray if I need help (and even if I don't).
28. Pettiness - Things are kept in perspective and not blown out of proportion.
Summarize your writings:
Although I see how much happier my life can be by giving all of these defects over to the care of God to remove, I still hesitate to do so. Maybe Einstein is right...maybe I am just insane, continuing to repeat my mistakes. I can only come to the conclusion that they must be serving a purpose on some dysfunctional level.
Listing each defect individually will, I believe, really help me to slowly turn these things over one at a time and pray individually over each defect. This way, each one will receive the care and attention that it deserves if it is to stay out of my life permanently.
My impatience is working overtime on me, cajoling me to rush this Step. "Just put 100% for each one, and let's go on to Step Seven." I really do want to be the person above in those paragraphs. I'm sure I'll be even better than that person that I envision once God is done with me. But it's taking all of my strength right now to "take it easy" and slow down the process. I don't feel ready and I have to respect that.
Write the character defects that you are 100% ready to have God remove. Only write down the ones that you are totally ready to have God remove. In other words, if God could take this defect from you, would you let him have it and not want to take it back from him?
1. Quick to judge
2. Quick to anger
3. Impatience
4. Abusive/Harsh
5. Selfishness
6. Self centeredness
7. Lust
8. Spiritual instability
9. Hypocritical
10. Envious
11. Self pity
Have a time of prayer and meditation regarding your defects of character that you were not previously ready to have God remove. Now write the date you became entirely ready for Him to remove all of these defects.
Not ready yet.
Character
Character is what you are as a person and as we previously discussed, there are carbon spots. These are the things that are important for you to identify. If you know where the spots are, you can surely ask God to help you with them.
This ends your journey on Step Six. Step Six simply asks you to become entirely ready to have God remove all your defects of character. What you have done is list your defects, and have thought through what it would be like to have these defects removed.
What is the most significant thing you have learned about yourself in completing your Step Six?
Not done yet. I'll get back to you when I am. Up to this point, I have learned that I am not perfect. As a matter of fact, I am quite imperfect. I am stubborn and even have a hard time letting go to God!
Entirely
When you think of the word entirely, many pictures may come to mind. One of the most vivid pictures is that of a sprint runner who has her foot on the block and hands in the dirt in front of the white line while looking a the gun which is ready to go off. This is an appropriate picture for entirely. Entirely is 100% ready to do something. Many partners in the past have been entirely ready to destroy their lives for a relationship with the sex addict to avoid pain from the past. Now you have come to another point in your life where you are entirely ready after completing Steps One through Five to further better yourself.
What are some of the words you think of when you think of the word entirely?
1. Completely, totally
2. Wholly, 100%
3. All, fully
What are some of the feelings you have when you think of the word entirely?
I feel surrender.
I feel abandon.
What are a couple of examples in your life when you were entirely ready to do something?
I was entirely ready to go to nursing school. I had completed all of the financial aid forms, taken the placement exams, set up childcare for the boys, and was motivated.
I was entirely ready to go on vacation to Disney. Everything was packed, the house was completely cleaned, the house and pets were going to be taken care of by my sister in law, the trip was paid for, and the car was checked out and filled with gas.
What were some of the major instances that made you "entirely ready?"
I think it was just the determination to have my life "better" than it was. Better job, better pay, better time.
To Have God
Who has God become to you during your journey through Steps One through Five?
He has become my Protector, my Redeemer, my Fortress, my Hope, my Strength, my Victor.
What roles is He filling in your life?
Provider, Comforter, Friend, Guide, Life Coach, Counselor.
What feelings do you have toward God at this point?
Love, gratitude, peace, awe.
Why do you think that you need "to have God" involved in this part of your healing process?
Because I'm not able to do this stuff by myself. It has never worked before. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results. That is what I have been doing up until now. I guess it's like having something in your eye. Even if you can get to the mirror, sometimes you can't see to take the foreign body out of your eye. And it's one of those oddities where it's too freaky to touch your own eye, like how you can't tickle yourself. God's gonna have to do it for me. And I'm gonna have to let him, not by sticking my fingers in the mix, but by sitting still and keeping my eye open. This will be very difficult for me, the control thing again.
How have you relied upon God in the past?
Mostly, I've relied on myself and my own understanding - my defect of character called self-will, or self-sufficiency. Although, when my son was having surgery, I relied on God for comfort.
What aspects or characteristics of God are you relying upon to help in the process of removing your defects of character?
Forgiveness, discernment, compassion, mercy.
Remove
Remove is another word in your healing process that can mean something very painful for a partner. Remove in the form of an analogy can mean "to remove weeds from your grass, pulling them up" or in another picture to "remove a tumor that in the future could kill you."
What are some words that come to you when you think of the word remove?
1. Take away
2. Get rid of
3. Erradicate
4. Physically extract
What are some of the feelings you have when you think of something being removed from you?
I feel emptiness, but also roominess.
I feel pain.
What are some of the things that have been removed from you up to this point in your recovery?
1. My sense of control over my husband
2. Lots of my shame
3. The "God hates me" complex
How do you feel about these things being removed?
I feel lighter and more free. I feel really, really good. Like an ordinary human. I used to feel like a complete and total wretch. Having those feelings removed has been very liberating.
How has God been involved in the removal process?
As I've done each Step with the group, I've also done it with God as the person who is listening. It has helped to turn it over and admit that I can't do it without him.
All
All means quite a bit to anyone in the healing process.
What are some of the words that come to mind when you think of the word all?
1. Every
2. Each
3. 100% of
What percentage is all?
100%
What percentage do you want all to mean when you talk about removing your defects of character?
100%
Defects
What are some of the defects that you have seen in your past?
Ages 1-12
1. Strong willed
2. Insulting
3. Loud
4. Lying
Ages 13-20
1. Holding on to grudges, being hostile
2. Being a know it all
3. Gossiping, lying
4. Sarcasm
5. Strong willed
Ages 21-30
1. Holding onto grudges
2. Gossiping, lying
3. Sarcasm
4. Rude and insulting
5. Strong willed, rigid
Ages 31-40
1. Pridefulness and desire to always be right
2. Gossip and lying
3. Holding onto grudges
4. Rude and insulting
5. Sarcasm
6. Rigid
What are some of the defects you have in relating to:
Yourself?
1. Detachment, "zoning out"
2. Overindulgent
3. Lazy
4. Prideful
Your family of origin?
1. Unforgiveness
2. Anger
3. Judgement
Your spouse?
1. Impatience
2. Judgement
3. Expecting perfection
Your children?
1. Not fully present
2. Critical and harsh
3. Expecting perfection
Your employer?
1. Put off mandatories
2. Lack of interest in getting ahead
3. Pettiness
Financially?
1. Not tithing
2. Too flexible with budgeting
3. Not saving adequately
Socially?
1. Anxious
2. Pacifist - phoniness
3. Embarrass easily
Spiritually?
1. Wax and wane
2. Self willed, self sufficiency
3. Weak in scripture
At this point, take some time and compile a full list of these defects of character.
Place how long each character defect has been in your life. Now, looking at these defects of character, what percentage of each of these defects are you ready to have God remove? Write a percentage by each one.
Defects Length of time Percentage
1. Indifference/Apathy 20 years 75%
2. Laziness/Sloth 25 years 60%
3. Pride 35 years 70%
4. Unforgiveness/Resentments 35 years 65%
5. Quick to judge 35 years 100%
6. Quick to anger 35 years 100%
7. Overindulgence/Gluttony 22 years 60%
8. Impatience 33 years 100%
9. Perfectionism 35 years 70% (3/6/08 - 100%)
10. Critical 23 years 80%
11. Abusive/Harsh 22 years 100%
12. Procrastination 30 years 80%
13. Lack of drive to get ahead 20 years 60%
14. Selfishness 30 years 100%
15. Self centeredness 35 years 100%
16. Lust 12 years 100%
17. Anxiety/Fear 33 years 50%
18. Dishonesty/Phoniness 30 years 90% (3/6/08 - 100%)
19. Intolerance 12 years 80%
20. Wax/Wane Spiritually 18 years 100%
21. Self willed/Self sufficiency 35 years 90%
22. Stubbornness 35 years 85%
23. Hypocritical 22 years 100%
24. Envious 27 years 100%
25. Controlling 26 years 75%
26. Gossiping 18 years 90%
27. Self pity 35 years 100%
28. Pettiness 23 years 90%
Take time with each one of these character defects and write a paragraph on a seperate piece of paper about what life would be like without this defect in your life.
1. Indifference - I would find myself more deeply connected to the people I love, and passionate about their lives. I would be more encouraging towards my children's and husband's interests.
2. Laziness/Sloth - Life would be neater, cleaner, and more organized. Healthy food would be prepared on a regular basis. Less time would be spent trying to locate items. I'd be trimmer and healthier from exercising regularly.
3. Pride - I would be able to ask for help when I needed it and wouldn't feel so overwhelmed all of the time. I would stop spending so much time trying to hide all of these defects from other people.
4. Unforgiveness - I'd be releasing myself while at the same time releasing the other person. God will forgive me if I forgive others. I'd be abiding in Christ.
5. Quick to judge - I'd spend a lot less time being dead wrong. I'd spend more time listening to the truth. I don't want to be judged by the same measure that I judge others.
6. Quick to anger - living with a lower level of stress, I'd live longer and probably much happier. I'd be a better mother to my children. People would stop worrying about whether I'm going to "get mad" and whether they should lie to me.
7. Overindulgence - I'd be a lot thinner, I'd be saving more money, and I'd be more mentally disciplined.
8. Impatience - I'd have better relationships in general with my husband and children. I'd be living in the here and now, and not in the future. I'd be able to delay my gratification and work in God's timetable instead of mine.
9. Perfectionism - I'd be more forgiving of myself and of others. I wouldn't set myself or anyone else up for failure by having unrealisitic expectations. I'd be at peace, knowing that none of us is perfect.
10. Critical - mine and my family's self esteem would be in much better shape. My children would be free to be who they are and not who *I* want them to be.
11. Abusive/Harsh - honesty would flourish and fear would dissipate. Trust would run rampant.
12. Procrastination - I'll get back to this one (ha, ha!). No late fees on bills, more money, less embarrassment from getting things in late, more peace - a settled mind.
13. Lack of drive to get ahead in my career - I'd have my AS or BSN by now. I'd be employed full time, with no financial stress and be able to retire without worries.
14. Selfishness - I'd be tithing, making more donations, and having more fun with my family.
15. Self-centeredness - family relations would be thriving. I'd be a good example for the kids of how a family should interact, with everyone's needs being important and not just mine.
16. Lust - my motives would be pure and I'd have a clean conscience.
17. Anxiety/Fear - I'd be sleeping through the night every night. I'd have complete and total trust in God to provide for and protect our family. I would trust that God would show me what I need to know regarding my husband. I would be less overbearing with the children, because I would be trusting that God would be caring for them in my absence.
18. Dishonesty/Phoniness - I would be honest about who I am, what I believe, and what I know. I could easily admit my imperfections, my children's imperfections, and my responsibility for some of their imperfections.
19. Intolerance - accepting where SIL is in her recovery, accepting people for who they are and where they are in their lives spiritually, emotionally, financially.
20. Waxing/Waning Spiritually - more consistently attending church, reading the Bible regularly, paying attention to spiritual self care. Scripture committed to memory.
21. Self Will/Self Sufficiency - I'd be relying fully on God, praying for God's will instead of my own. I'd be putting God rightfully first all of the time in my life. And I'd finally let go of all of these defects and let God remove them.
22. Stubbornness - I'd be more flexible when changes need to be made, have a more "go with the flow" attitude. I'd be more accepting and respectful of other's ideas, plans, and points of view. I'd be more accepting of "defeat" in my life.
23. Hypocritical - I would be accepting no less of myself than I accept from other family members. The behavior I expect from my children, I would be modeling for them, instead of dictating to them.
24. Envious - I am content with myself and what I have. I am in a constant state of gratitude for everything in my life.
25. Controlling - I would be knowing that God is in control of everything, not interfering or trying to manipulate outcomes. I'd be in a state of allowing and letting.
26. Gossiping - I would walk away from gossip. I would speak of people as if they were physically present during the conversation and try to defend the person being gossiped about.
27. Self pity - I would realize that everyone has burdens, some heavier, some lighter, but that nobody gets out of this life without problems. I would be owning my responsibility for my problems, knowing that I am not a hopeless victim, and remembering to pray if I need help (and even if I don't).
28. Pettiness - Things are kept in perspective and not blown out of proportion.
Summarize your writings:
Although I see how much happier my life can be by giving all of these defects over to the care of God to remove, I still hesitate to do so. Maybe Einstein is right...maybe I am just insane, continuing to repeat my mistakes. I can only come to the conclusion that they must be serving a purpose on some dysfunctional level.
Listing each defect individually will, I believe, really help me to slowly turn these things over one at a time and pray individually over each defect. This way, each one will receive the care and attention that it deserves if it is to stay out of my life permanently.
My impatience is working overtime on me, cajoling me to rush this Step. "Just put 100% for each one, and let's go on to Step Seven." I really do want to be the person above in those paragraphs. I'm sure I'll be even better than that person that I envision once God is done with me. But it's taking all of my strength right now to "take it easy" and slow down the process. I don't feel ready and I have to respect that.
Write the character defects that you are 100% ready to have God remove. Only write down the ones that you are totally ready to have God remove. In other words, if God could take this defect from you, would you let him have it and not want to take it back from him?
1. Quick to judge
2. Quick to anger
3. Impatience
4. Abusive/Harsh
5. Selfishness
6. Self centeredness
7. Lust
8. Spiritual instability
9. Hypocritical
10. Envious
11. Self pity
Have a time of prayer and meditation regarding your defects of character that you were not previously ready to have God remove. Now write the date you became entirely ready for Him to remove all of these defects.
Not ready yet.
Character
Character is what you are as a person and as we previously discussed, there are carbon spots. These are the things that are important for you to identify. If you know where the spots are, you can surely ask God to help you with them.
This ends your journey on Step Six. Step Six simply asks you to become entirely ready to have God remove all your defects of character. What you have done is list your defects, and have thought through what it would be like to have these defects removed.
What is the most significant thing you have learned about yourself in completing your Step Six?
Not done yet. I'll get back to you when I am. Up to this point, I have learned that I am not perfect. As a matter of fact, I am quite imperfect. I am stubborn and even have a hard time letting go to God!
Exercise 93
Step Six
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
Defects of character may be more obvious to you now that you have written and acknowledged your story to God, yourself, and another human being. In Step Six, you can begin to see some of your limitations or things that are less than positive about yourself. Before you can become "entirely ready," it has been helpful to take some reflective time and list your defects of character. In no particular order, writing down your defects (i.e.: impatient, manipulative, selfish) helps you to know what it is that you are getting ready to have God remove.
The simplist way to do this, is to list in the left hand column your character defects. Next to each character defect, write the percentage of willingness to have God remove this defect (example: selfishness - 75%). Review your list regularly until there is a 100% next to each defect. During the starting of this list and it's completion, you may want to pray over those areas that are less than 100%.
Behaviors supporting a Step Six are as follows:
Behaviors
1. A list made of "defects of character."
2. A regular review until 100% "entirely ready."
3. Prayer during the process of becoming "entirely ready."
4. Discussions about defects taking longer to be "entirely ready."
Date I became "entirely ready" to have God remove my defects of character:
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
Defects of character may be more obvious to you now that you have written and acknowledged your story to God, yourself, and another human being. In Step Six, you can begin to see some of your limitations or things that are less than positive about yourself. Before you can become "entirely ready," it has been helpful to take some reflective time and list your defects of character. In no particular order, writing down your defects (i.e.: impatient, manipulative, selfish) helps you to know what it is that you are getting ready to have God remove.
The simplist way to do this, is to list in the left hand column your character defects. Next to each character defect, write the percentage of willingness to have God remove this defect (example: selfishness - 75%). Review your list regularly until there is a 100% next to each defect. During the starting of this list and it's completion, you may want to pray over those areas that are less than 100%.
Behaviors supporting a Step Six are as follows:
Behaviors
1. A list made of "defects of character."
2. A regular review until 100% "entirely ready."
3. Prayer during the process of becoming "entirely ready."
4. Discussions about defects taking longer to be "entirely ready."
Date I became "entirely ready" to have God remove my defects of character:
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Step Five
"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
In your journey so far, you have been either reunited with or for the first time introduced to God as you understand Him. This will help to admit to Him the exact nature of your wrongs. The journey through Step Four gave you some awareness of yourself. Step Five will further aid you in your understanding of yourself.
Admitting
Admitting can often be the hardest thing to do. Are there reasons you would like to not entirely admit the exact nature of your wrongs? List these.
1. Fear of rejection
2. Judgement from others
3. Shame
If you have written something in the spaces above, get feedback from recovering people who have already gone through Step Five. How did they deal with this?
1. The writing helped me admit to myself and going back over the list in prayer was admitting to God. But going to my sponsor's house with that list was the hardest of all. She was wonderful and it was the most emotionally freeing thing for me!!!! I have never regretted it and it was a way of letting go that was so thorough that guilt from the things on that list have never "haunted" me again (well, after I had completed the other steps, just to be honest). I still remember them, but they are done. They are so truly in God's hands. There is no way to describe it. So feel those feelings. If you are like me, some things on there you hoped never to even think about again, much less tell someone else about them. The feelings are normal. I don't know of anyone who has really done their 12 step program who will judge you in any way. Most will rejoice in your victory!!! N.
2. I understand your feelings of fear and shame. I did my first Step 5 about 15 years ago, and I remember how nervous I was and those same feelings. I did my step with my Al-Anon sponsor and I knew whatever I shared between us stayed between us, trusting her helped my fears. As far as me getting past me fears enough to get the words out and admit/confess my wrongs, I guess I knew somewhere deep inside me confession is good for the soul, and I figured God already knew all there was to know about me, so it was just taking this "step" of humility to admit it, so I could be free from the past or at least confess the struggle and in sharing that I also made my sponsor aware I needed more "help" in that area. Afterwards I felt very free. I was light-hearted like a big ugly clump of yuck was lifted off my heart. I highly recommend it. Since that first time, it opened up my eyes to show me that *my* fears were unfounded and *if* I was going to be judged unjustly or rejected...well that is not*my* shame, I would say shame on them!! It has made it easier for me to share more openly since then and confess when I blunder or when I am heading down dangerous roads. I feel myself slipping and *I* know that *I* am in control and if *I* go to someone and confess, then it is no longer hidden and I can be held accountable for whatever it is I needed accountability. Does thatmake sense?? D.
3. My reasons were a fear of rejection, a fear of judgment, a corrupted view that Christians don't sin in the ways I had and that I wasn't doing something "right" or it would have worked-both of those would be shame issues. Each time I have shared my wrongs with others I have felt an overwhelming urge to run and hide immediately afterwards. This has lessened over time, but it is still there to some degree. What do I do with that? Hmmm. I guess I just make myself step out when I am aware of it. I have even said out loud to others, I want to run and hide right now. I feel stupid, ashamed, vulnerable, etc. Somehow just saying it out loud to others or God makes it less huge to me. Praying, journaling and positive affirmations all help me also. I think overall, I felt a sense of relief after step five. I was more bare, but less burdened. K.
Ask recovering people who have done their Step Five what some of their experiences were that they had in completing this step.
What I've learned so far in recovery, as head knowledge more than heart knowledge, is that if God created me, He must think I'm worth something. I know when I create art I, most times, I really like what I created. So I'm thinking it's the same with God. Through this recovery process I've been humbled, just looking at the ugly truth that I'm not as perfect as I want to believe. Admitting my faults makes it easier for me to try to accept and forgive those who hurt me and to understand them as real people who have both good and bad in them just like me. K.
Now you come to an hour of reckoning within yourself. Often, to your own harm, you continuously carry with you a list of things you have done wrong. It is now time to record this list on paper. List relationally and chronologically people you are aware of that you wronged and a brief explanation of the exact wrong doing.
Age 1-6
D./ Sister - name-calling ("fat, ugly"), fighting with her
Age 7-12
D./ Sister - fighting with her, threw a knife at her
D./ Brother - cut his finger with a razor blade, tickling him too hard
B., M., L./ friends - stopped socializing with them for reasons of peer pressure and concern over apperarances
J./ Mother - broke her watch right before she was going out to dinner with my father, hid the watch and lied about breaking it, would tell my mother she hated me
T./ Friend - called her a communist because she was Russian
S./ Classmate - wrote her a nasty note
J./ Friend - repeatedly called her a name that she didn't like, gave in to peer pressure by teasing her
J. and D./ Cousins - "dirty" talk one time while babysitting
Age 13-18
A./ Friend - mean to her on many occasions, gossip
Girl at Spanish Theater - put gum in her hair, lied about doing it
M./ Male Friend - performed oral sex on him
J. and D./ Parents - ran away once, left for Long Island to visit P. out at school after being told not to, pre-marital sex, pregnancy
G. and D./ In Laws - pre-marital sex, pregnancy, refused to get abortion to please them
P./ Boyfriend/Husband -pre-marital sex, danced with another guy at the prom, encouraged him to m. while I was on the phone with him, viewed p. with him
Age 19-25
P./ Husband - viewed and created porn with him
C./ Friend - yelled at her and audiotaped the fight
D./ Friend - laughed at something at her wedding that was not intended to be funny
N./ Son - abortion for medical problem
M./ H's Cousin - laughed at him at his grandmother's funeral/thought he was joking-he wasn't
P's Sister/ H's Friend - thought P. was lusting over her, embarrassed both of us
D./ Coworker - got her in trouble at work, used a derrogatory term in front of her
Baby ?/ Patient - flicked his foot because I was mad at the mother
S./ Nephew - while babysitting him he would cry a lot and sometimes I let him cry
M./ Dog - kicked him
G./ MIL - gossiped about her at work (she worked with me)
Age 26-35
K./ Coworker - called her a bitch
L./ Classmate - fight over an invitation to a HS reunion
K. and T./ Classmates - made fun of them
D./ Male Friend - had an affair with him
J./ D's Wife - had an affair with her husband
P./ Husband - cheated on him with D., threatened to tell others about his addiction and did so
P., A., and T./ Children - verbal abuse, spankings
M. and C./ Coworkers - opened my mouth about something said at a union meeting
G./ MIL - gossiped about her at work
A./ Coworker - put her in a bad light at work
L./ Coworker - commented on her showing up late and being a complainer
J., D., and M./ Coworkers - gossiped about their sick time
All Coworkers - sometimes called out sick when I wasn't sick
D. and D./ Siblings - played both sides of arguments
E./ P's Coworker - called her and threatened her job, talked badly about her nationality
BA./ Neighbor - gossiped about her
Age 36-38
K./ SIL - judged harshly regarding her drinking and the way she raises her kids, gossip
P., A., T., J./ Children - neglecting their emotional and spiritual needs
G./ MIL - gossip
D. and D./ Siblings - gossip
P./ Friend of Brother - gossip
T./ Niece - accused of stealing, gossip
C./ Employer - couldn't forgive her so I quit a part time job I held at the office
J./ Daughter - withdrew emotionally one time (I was being mean)
E./ BILs Girlfriend - called her "Lolita"
B./ Mom's Friend - detest her
GK./Children's Doctor - defamed her
M./ Cousin's Wife - called her stupid behind her back
E./ P's Coworker - used derrogatory names for her and her baby
Now that you have learned the exact nature of your wrongs, you will need to admit them to another human being. What type of person do you think this human being should be?
1. A recovering person
2. Non-judgemental
3. Someone not listed above whom I have hurt either in words or actions
Do you have someone picked out? Yes
If so, what is the person's first name and relationship to you? Well, anyone in group that is reading this has just gotten a glimpse at the kind of person that I have been. I may have to share this in a session with Kim, my therapist so that I can communicate it verbally.
When did you communicate all of the information you wrote down in this step to someone of the same sex? I haven't yet, but I will make an appointment to do so.
Did you hold anything back that you were too embarrassed to tell? No.
On a scale from 1 - 10, how would you rate yourself on your Step Five? I think I would say about a 9. I feel pretty confident that I wrote down all of my offenses, but I'm sure I could find more people who, if you asked them, would say I hurt them in some way. If I think of any more, I promise to add them to the list :) And as time passes, it becomes harder to remember exactly the things that were said. It's like you just remember hurting the person, but not always the specifics.
In your journey so far, you have been either reunited with or for the first time introduced to God as you understand Him. This will help to admit to Him the exact nature of your wrongs. The journey through Step Four gave you some awareness of yourself. Step Five will further aid you in your understanding of yourself.
Admitting
Admitting can often be the hardest thing to do. Are there reasons you would like to not entirely admit the exact nature of your wrongs? List these.
1. Fear of rejection
2. Judgement from others
3. Shame
If you have written something in the spaces above, get feedback from recovering people who have already gone through Step Five. How did they deal with this?
1. The writing helped me admit to myself and going back over the list in prayer was admitting to God. But going to my sponsor's house with that list was the hardest of all. She was wonderful and it was the most emotionally freeing thing for me!!!! I have never regretted it and it was a way of letting go that was so thorough that guilt from the things on that list have never "haunted" me again (well, after I had completed the other steps, just to be honest). I still remember them, but they are done. They are so truly in God's hands. There is no way to describe it. So feel those feelings. If you are like me, some things on there you hoped never to even think about again, much less tell someone else about them. The feelings are normal. I don't know of anyone who has really done their 12 step program who will judge you in any way. Most will rejoice in your victory!!! N.
2. I understand your feelings of fear and shame. I did my first Step 5 about 15 years ago, and I remember how nervous I was and those same feelings. I did my step with my Al-Anon sponsor and I knew whatever I shared between us stayed between us, trusting her helped my fears. As far as me getting past me fears enough to get the words out and admit/confess my wrongs, I guess I knew somewhere deep inside me confession is good for the soul, and I figured God already knew all there was to know about me, so it was just taking this "step" of humility to admit it, so I could be free from the past or at least confess the struggle and in sharing that I also made my sponsor aware I needed more "help" in that area. Afterwards I felt very free. I was light-hearted like a big ugly clump of yuck was lifted off my heart. I highly recommend it. Since that first time, it opened up my eyes to show me that *my* fears were unfounded and *if* I was going to be judged unjustly or rejected...well that is not*my* shame, I would say shame on them!! It has made it easier for me to share more openly since then and confess when I blunder or when I am heading down dangerous roads. I feel myself slipping and *I* know that *I* am in control and if *I* go to someone and confess, then it is no longer hidden and I can be held accountable for whatever it is I needed accountability. Does thatmake sense?? D.
3. My reasons were a fear of rejection, a fear of judgment, a corrupted view that Christians don't sin in the ways I had and that I wasn't doing something "right" or it would have worked-both of those would be shame issues. Each time I have shared my wrongs with others I have felt an overwhelming urge to run and hide immediately afterwards. This has lessened over time, but it is still there to some degree. What do I do with that? Hmmm. I guess I just make myself step out when I am aware of it. I have even said out loud to others, I want to run and hide right now. I feel stupid, ashamed, vulnerable, etc. Somehow just saying it out loud to others or God makes it less huge to me. Praying, journaling and positive affirmations all help me also. I think overall, I felt a sense of relief after step five. I was more bare, but less burdened. K.
Ask recovering people who have done their Step Five what some of their experiences were that they had in completing this step.
What I've learned so far in recovery, as head knowledge more than heart knowledge, is that if God created me, He must think I'm worth something. I know when I create art I, most times, I really like what I created. So I'm thinking it's the same with God. Through this recovery process I've been humbled, just looking at the ugly truth that I'm not as perfect as I want to believe. Admitting my faults makes it easier for me to try to accept and forgive those who hurt me and to understand them as real people who have both good and bad in them just like me. K.
Now you come to an hour of reckoning within yourself. Often, to your own harm, you continuously carry with you a list of things you have done wrong. It is now time to record this list on paper. List relationally and chronologically people you are aware of that you wronged and a brief explanation of the exact wrong doing.
Age 1-6
D./ Sister - name-calling ("fat, ugly"), fighting with her
Age 7-12
D./ Sister - fighting with her, threw a knife at her
D./ Brother - cut his finger with a razor blade, tickling him too hard
B., M., L./ friends - stopped socializing with them for reasons of peer pressure and concern over apperarances
J./ Mother - broke her watch right before she was going out to dinner with my father, hid the watch and lied about breaking it, would tell my mother she hated me
T./ Friend - called her a communist because she was Russian
S./ Classmate - wrote her a nasty note
J./ Friend - repeatedly called her a name that she didn't like, gave in to peer pressure by teasing her
J. and D./ Cousins - "dirty" talk one time while babysitting
Age 13-18
A./ Friend - mean to her on many occasions, gossip
Girl at Spanish Theater - put gum in her hair, lied about doing it
M./ Male Friend - performed oral sex on him
J. and D./ Parents - ran away once, left for Long Island to visit P. out at school after being told not to, pre-marital sex, pregnancy
G. and D./ In Laws - pre-marital sex, pregnancy, refused to get abortion to please them
P./ Boyfriend/Husband -pre-marital sex, danced with another guy at the prom, encouraged him to m. while I was on the phone with him, viewed p. with him
Age 19-25
P./ Husband - viewed and created porn with him
C./ Friend - yelled at her and audiotaped the fight
D./ Friend - laughed at something at her wedding that was not intended to be funny
N./ Son - abortion for medical problem
M./ H's Cousin - laughed at him at his grandmother's funeral/thought he was joking-he wasn't
P's Sister/ H's Friend - thought P. was lusting over her, embarrassed both of us
D./ Coworker - got her in trouble at work, used a derrogatory term in front of her
Baby ?/ Patient - flicked his foot because I was mad at the mother
S./ Nephew - while babysitting him he would cry a lot and sometimes I let him cry
M./ Dog - kicked him
G./ MIL - gossiped about her at work (she worked with me)
Age 26-35
K./ Coworker - called her a bitch
L./ Classmate - fight over an invitation to a HS reunion
K. and T./ Classmates - made fun of them
D./ Male Friend - had an affair with him
J./ D's Wife - had an affair with her husband
P./ Husband - cheated on him with D., threatened to tell others about his addiction and did so
P., A., and T./ Children - verbal abuse, spankings
M. and C./ Coworkers - opened my mouth about something said at a union meeting
G./ MIL - gossiped about her at work
A./ Coworker - put her in a bad light at work
L./ Coworker - commented on her showing up late and being a complainer
J., D., and M./ Coworkers - gossiped about their sick time
All Coworkers - sometimes called out sick when I wasn't sick
D. and D./ Siblings - played both sides of arguments
E./ P's Coworker - called her and threatened her job, talked badly about her nationality
BA./ Neighbor - gossiped about her
Age 36-38
K./ SIL - judged harshly regarding her drinking and the way she raises her kids, gossip
P., A., T., J./ Children - neglecting their emotional and spiritual needs
G./ MIL - gossip
D. and D./ Siblings - gossip
P./ Friend of Brother - gossip
T./ Niece - accused of stealing, gossip
C./ Employer - couldn't forgive her so I quit a part time job I held at the office
J./ Daughter - withdrew emotionally one time (I was being mean)
E./ BILs Girlfriend - called her "Lolita"
B./ Mom's Friend - detest her
GK./Children's Doctor - defamed her
M./ Cousin's Wife - called her stupid behind her back
E./ P's Coworker - used derrogatory names for her and her baby
Now that you have learned the exact nature of your wrongs, you will need to admit them to another human being. What type of person do you think this human being should be?
1. A recovering person
2. Non-judgemental
3. Someone not listed above whom I have hurt either in words or actions
Do you have someone picked out? Yes
If so, what is the person's first name and relationship to you? Well, anyone in group that is reading this has just gotten a glimpse at the kind of person that I have been. I may have to share this in a session with Kim, my therapist so that I can communicate it verbally.
When did you communicate all of the information you wrote down in this step to someone of the same sex? I haven't yet, but I will make an appointment to do so.
Did you hold anything back that you were too embarrassed to tell? No.
On a scale from 1 - 10, how would you rate yourself on your Step Five? I think I would say about a 9. I feel pretty confident that I wrote down all of my offenses, but I'm sure I could find more people who, if you asked them, would say I hurt them in some way. If I think of any more, I promise to add them to the list :) And as time passes, it becomes harder to remember exactly the things that were said. It's like you just remember hurting the person, but not always the specifics.
Exercise 92
Letters to My Perpetrators
This exercise takes you a step further into healing from your abuses and/or neglects that you may have experienced. Much like you have already done in creating letters to help you resolve some of the family of origin issues, you must now write a letter to help heal these areas of abuse and neglect.
This letter to each of your perpetrators is for therapeutic purposes, not to be sent to the perpetrators. These letters are for your recovery, not theirs. It is important for you to confront the issues and not necessarily the person, especially not at this point of your healing and recovery.
In this exercise, write a letter you would read to your perpetrator. Imagine they are strapped to a chair and can't say anything back to you. You can say anything and everything you want to say. This letter can be full of hate, anger, disgust and many other powerful emotions. You can use any language necessary to express yourself. These events should have never happened, so your feelings are totally appropriate.
After you write your letter, you may want to do an empty chair exercise and read your letter to the perpetrator.
Dear D,
I know you have bad memories of me as your sister, but let me just say, I did try to be good to you.
From the moment I knew mom was pregnant with you, I couldn't wait to meet you. I really wished I could be a wonderful big sister to you, but I wasn't allowed to be. You already know that, as a child, I was chronically ill with bronchitis. So, from the second you arrived in the house, we were kept apart.
I remember the day mom and dad brought you home from the hospital, I wasn't even allowed to look at you. I kept trying to get a peek, but was told I had germs and could pass them on to you and get you sick. That was pretty much all I heard until you were almost a year old. Ever wonder why there are no pictures of us together?
I remember standing next to your high chair while D was feeding you. I asked if I could help and she said, "Get out of here. He doesn't like you." So I pulled back, but I still liked to watch you do things like roll across the floor, or crawl around. When you started talking, D taught you how to say "psycho." Once that happened, I knew there was no hope for the two of us being friends.
At the time, when you were D's "mini me," I hated you. I hated you for believing her, for imitating her, everything. All the cruel things she did, you did too.
Now, you're the only one who understands me when I talk about living under D's regime, the manipulation and the mind games. Finally, years later, validation. Thank you.
Love,
D
Dear Grandma,
I know you were only trying to make people laugh, but all of the things you said really hurt me. I always felt fat and ugly and the things you said just reinforced everything I knew to be true about myself. Now I know where mom and D got that from.
I'm really glad to say, too, that mom is alive and well. I don't know how I would have carried around all of the guilt you heaped on if she died when I was young.
Everyone remembers you as someone who loved to laugh. I remember you as liking to laugh at the expense of others.
Dear Grandpa,
Maybe if you took your head out of the blackberry brandy or the whiskey once in a while, you'd have seen that we weren't troublesome children, but that you were just a nasty drunk that didn't like kids making noise. But why clean up your act for us? You couldn't even do it for your own sons.
B,
You suck! You're one of the worst of them all! If you were here right now, I'd kick your stupid ass around the block, til you begged me for mercy. You didn't even know me, you jackass - you're the one who deserves a beating - not me! F--- you, you lousy bastard!
B,
You think I don't remember. You think you got away with everything just because I don't mention it. Well I do mention it. Only now, I say it to people who matter, people who can do something. Not weak people, like my mother. You're not so big anymore. One false move with a child, and I'll blow the whistle on you. I'll tell my story faster than you can say "molester."
D,
WTF did I ever do to you? Why did you hate me so much?
And let me ask you...how does it feel to have everyone think you're a lesbian? Because that's what everyone thinks, D. Whether or not it's true, that's what they think of you. You "couldn't afford" Christmas gifts for your own sister and brother for the past five years, but you can afford to buy Deb the loaded up iPod for Christmas? The two of you can together afford to go gambling at the casino every other weekend. Or the trips to Cape May, or Las Vegas, or Nova Scotia. But you can't kick in twenty bucks for the two people that share your DNA? Or maybe it's just that you have no interest in either one of us.
I guess it makes sense that you would turn D against me as a child. More strength for your side in the war you were waging on me. Gain support for the theory that I was "psycho." If I was, you made me that way.
And the lies you would tell...I'm sure you told them so many times that you actually believe them. Well let me clarify for you...those things never happened, you asshole! The scaffolding, the frisbee on the roof, and all of the other BS stories you told your friends with me as the butt of the joke...they never happened! No matter how much people laughed, D, they never happened.
At least, at this point in our lives, I can tolerate being in the same room with you for an evening. But that's about all I do. I tolerate you. Even that, I don't always do well. D has given up on you ever being a sister to him again. Do you care that you have alienated both of your siblings? I guess not because you have Deb for that. I guess she can be the sister you always wished you had. Well screw her too. She's just an idiot for believing all of your BS stories.
Dear Mom,
I didn't write anything else to dad because I addressed most of the stuff in my first letter to him. With you, on the other hand, I've got a little more work to do.
For one thing, why didn't you ever protect me from that beast of a child that you bore? She was an animal and, today, you are willing to admit that. So where the hell were you when she was torturing me? Why was she never told to knock it off? I know I tattled on her on countless occasions. It's not like you didn't know what was going on.
And, why didn't you tell dad what was going on with B? I remember you said, "Your father would kill him if he knew." So? Why would you protect him? You wouldn't rescue me and you wouldn't let anyone else rescue me either. And you still continue to have that bastard to your house when I am there. I guess I just have to "suck it up," right?
Finally, you let that son of a bitch, B, beat my ass. You stood right there and wouldn't tell him to take his hands off of me. Your own daughter, you let someone else beat while you stood and watched. F--- you, lady! You never protected me from any of my abusers, frankly, you offered me in effigy! Thanks a lot, mom!
This exercise takes you a step further into healing from your abuses and/or neglects that you may have experienced. Much like you have already done in creating letters to help you resolve some of the family of origin issues, you must now write a letter to help heal these areas of abuse and neglect.
This letter to each of your perpetrators is for therapeutic purposes, not to be sent to the perpetrators. These letters are for your recovery, not theirs. It is important for you to confront the issues and not necessarily the person, especially not at this point of your healing and recovery.
In this exercise, write a letter you would read to your perpetrator. Imagine they are strapped to a chair and can't say anything back to you. You can say anything and everything you want to say. This letter can be full of hate, anger, disgust and many other powerful emotions. You can use any language necessary to express yourself. These events should have never happened, so your feelings are totally appropriate.
After you write your letter, you may want to do an empty chair exercise and read your letter to the perpetrator.
Dear D,
I know you have bad memories of me as your sister, but let me just say, I did try to be good to you.
From the moment I knew mom was pregnant with you, I couldn't wait to meet you. I really wished I could be a wonderful big sister to you, but I wasn't allowed to be. You already know that, as a child, I was chronically ill with bronchitis. So, from the second you arrived in the house, we were kept apart.
I remember the day mom and dad brought you home from the hospital, I wasn't even allowed to look at you. I kept trying to get a peek, but was told I had germs and could pass them on to you and get you sick. That was pretty much all I heard until you were almost a year old. Ever wonder why there are no pictures of us together?
I remember standing next to your high chair while D was feeding you. I asked if I could help and she said, "Get out of here. He doesn't like you." So I pulled back, but I still liked to watch you do things like roll across the floor, or crawl around. When you started talking, D taught you how to say "psycho." Once that happened, I knew there was no hope for the two of us being friends.
At the time, when you were D's "mini me," I hated you. I hated you for believing her, for imitating her, everything. All the cruel things she did, you did too.
Now, you're the only one who understands me when I talk about living under D's regime, the manipulation and the mind games. Finally, years later, validation. Thank you.
Love,
D
Dear Grandma,
I know you were only trying to make people laugh, but all of the things you said really hurt me. I always felt fat and ugly and the things you said just reinforced everything I knew to be true about myself. Now I know where mom and D got that from.
I'm really glad to say, too, that mom is alive and well. I don't know how I would have carried around all of the guilt you heaped on if she died when I was young.
Everyone remembers you as someone who loved to laugh. I remember you as liking to laugh at the expense of others.
Dear Grandpa,
Maybe if you took your head out of the blackberry brandy or the whiskey once in a while, you'd have seen that we weren't troublesome children, but that you were just a nasty drunk that didn't like kids making noise. But why clean up your act for us? You couldn't even do it for your own sons.
B,
You suck! You're one of the worst of them all! If you were here right now, I'd kick your stupid ass around the block, til you begged me for mercy. You didn't even know me, you jackass - you're the one who deserves a beating - not me! F--- you, you lousy bastard!
B,
You think I don't remember. You think you got away with everything just because I don't mention it. Well I do mention it. Only now, I say it to people who matter, people who can do something. Not weak people, like my mother. You're not so big anymore. One false move with a child, and I'll blow the whistle on you. I'll tell my story faster than you can say "molester."
D,
WTF did I ever do to you? Why did you hate me so much?
And let me ask you...how does it feel to have everyone think you're a lesbian? Because that's what everyone thinks, D. Whether or not it's true, that's what they think of you. You "couldn't afford" Christmas gifts for your own sister and brother for the past five years, but you can afford to buy Deb the loaded up iPod for Christmas? The two of you can together afford to go gambling at the casino every other weekend. Or the trips to Cape May, or Las Vegas, or Nova Scotia. But you can't kick in twenty bucks for the two people that share your DNA? Or maybe it's just that you have no interest in either one of us.
I guess it makes sense that you would turn D against me as a child. More strength for your side in the war you were waging on me. Gain support for the theory that I was "psycho." If I was, you made me that way.
And the lies you would tell...I'm sure you told them so many times that you actually believe them. Well let me clarify for you...those things never happened, you asshole! The scaffolding, the frisbee on the roof, and all of the other BS stories you told your friends with me as the butt of the joke...they never happened! No matter how much people laughed, D, they never happened.
At least, at this point in our lives, I can tolerate being in the same room with you for an evening. But that's about all I do. I tolerate you. Even that, I don't always do well. D has given up on you ever being a sister to him again. Do you care that you have alienated both of your siblings? I guess not because you have Deb for that. I guess she can be the sister you always wished you had. Well screw her too. She's just an idiot for believing all of your BS stories.
Dear Mom,
I didn't write anything else to dad because I addressed most of the stuff in my first letter to him. With you, on the other hand, I've got a little more work to do.
For one thing, why didn't you ever protect me from that beast of a child that you bore? She was an animal and, today, you are willing to admit that. So where the hell were you when she was torturing me? Why was she never told to knock it off? I know I tattled on her on countless occasions. It's not like you didn't know what was going on.
And, why didn't you tell dad what was going on with B? I remember you said, "Your father would kill him if he knew." So? Why would you protect him? You wouldn't rescue me and you wouldn't let anyone else rescue me either. And you still continue to have that bastard to your house when I am there. I guess I just have to "suck it up," right?
Finally, you let that son of a bitch, B, beat my ass. You stood right there and wouldn't tell him to take his hands off of me. Your own daughter, you let someone else beat while you stood and watched. F--- you, lady! You never protected me from any of my abusers, frankly, you offered me in effigy! Thanks a lot, mom!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Exercise 91
Ranking My Perpetrators
Ranking your perpetrator may seem like an odd thing to do, after all, any abuse, no matter what kind, should not ever be experienced by anybody. I know this as well as anyone. And in ranking, you are not trying to minimize in any way the pain each perpetrator has inflicted in your life.
In the next exercise, you will need to list the perpetrators that you have ranked as less severe than others so as to work up to the major trauma that will require a lot from you as an injured person. In practicing with these in a ranked order, you will be stronger and know the process and what to expect a lot better as you move into the higher ranked trauma events.
Rank your perpetrators, starting with #1 as the least offending to the most severe as the highest numbered abuse.
1. D./ Brother
2. H./ Grandmother
3. J./ Grandfather
4. D./ Father
5. B./ Uncle
6. B./ Cousin
7. D./ Sister
8. J./ Mother
Ranking your perpetrator may seem like an odd thing to do, after all, any abuse, no matter what kind, should not ever be experienced by anybody. I know this as well as anyone. And in ranking, you are not trying to minimize in any way the pain each perpetrator has inflicted in your life.
In the next exercise, you will need to list the perpetrators that you have ranked as less severe than others so as to work up to the major trauma that will require a lot from you as an injured person. In practicing with these in a ranked order, you will be stronger and know the process and what to expect a lot better as you move into the higher ranked trauma events.
Rank your perpetrators, starting with #1 as the least offending to the most severe as the highest numbered abuse.
1. D./ Brother
2. H./ Grandmother
3. J./ Grandfather
4. D./ Father
5. B./ Uncle
6. B./ Cousin
7. D./ Sister
8. J./ Mother
Exercise 90
What They Did to Me
What you may have experienced from your perpetrators has probably left pain for many years. This pain is often free-floating inside of you. You may rarely or never talk about what exactly happened, and so it may remain like an emotional blob of gel that you don't seem to have crystallized inside.
In your recovery, it will be important to have these pains you have been medicating all these years to be as crystallized as possible. This will be helpful for you to identify what exactly happened and later to process your feelings about these events.
In this exercise, you will do exactly that: crystallize the memory. In the previous exercise, you wrote down your perpetrators and their general offenses. It is now time to get specific. List the perpetrator and write down in as much detail as you possibly can exactly what your perpetrator did.
J./ Mother
Emotional abuse - shamed and yelled at me regularly. Shamed for my voice ("Your voice goes right through me."). Shamed for OCD-type habits I had (scrunching up my nose, blinking, turning on and off lights) which I couldn't help. Shamed for trying out new clothes/hairstyles (told I looked like a slut). Shamed for hygiene ("green teeth, swamp breath").
Physical abuse - slapped in the face for not doing laundry when she had company over, hit with a pair of sandals for asking for them more than once, hand crushed when in a public place if I was misbehaving in public, pinched, hair pulled, ears grabbed.
Spiritual abuse - telling me I was going to hell, or telling me to "go to hell." The only other thing (and this is kinda funny) was that my sister and I had these matching shirts. One said "I'm a little angel" and the other said "I'm a little devil." Guess which one yours truly had to wear (LOL). I remember being afraid of that shirt, too, 'cause I thought the devil would see me in it and think I wanted to go with him. And then when my sister outgrew the angel shirt, my mom wouldn't let me wear it. She told me she would buy the devil one in a bigger size.
Emotional neglect - lack of praise for good report cards, lack of participation at chorus/orchestra recitals, lack of interest college for me, lack of concern over my lack of friends, lack of interest in my interests.
Sexual neglect - failed to explain what sexual abuse was. When I told her what was going on, she told me to "Stop that kind of talk" and that my cousin would never do that. Gave me "the sex talk" when I was eight years old along with my sister who was eleven. This way she didn't have to do it twice. By the time I got my period, I had forgotten what she told us or I just wasn't paying attention when she told me, and I was really freaked out when I got it for the first time.
D./ Father
Emotional abuse - yelled at when we took off sick from school. Threatened with the belt for not going to bed. Confusion over his drinking, which included swearing and hand gestures to other drivers. He once accidentally touched my breast when he was drinking. He came home late after drinking on the eve of one Easter and was supposed to color eggs with us, but instead knocked over the bar in the living room, breaking all of the glassware behind it. And he would often drink so much that he would vomit, which scared me a lot.
Physical abuse - he hit me with the belt one time after he was drinking, which was unusual because he was usually a pretty happy drunk. But my mom wasn't home that time and I mouthed off at him for coming home drunk when he didn't even come home to feed us kids, so I got the belt for that. I don't remember what I did to get hit with the belt the other times, but my dad always used the belt, never his hand, when he would hit us. I didn't get hit often, but enough times for me to remember that it was more than once.
D./ Sister
Emotional abuse - holy crap. This chic was *mean* to me. She would hide at the top of the stairs or in my closet or behind doors and then jump out and scare me, and then laugh like crazy. She would tell me that if I would give her something (whatever I had that she wanted...candy, money, a toy) that she would play with me. So I would give it, and she would run away laughing and then never live up to the bargain. Or she would just blackmail me..."I'm gonna tell mom that you said the *b* word if you don't do what I say." One time when we were teenagers, she wanted a stereo. She told me if I paid half, that I could come in her room and listen whenever I wanted. I was allowed in once the first week she had it and then never again. And I paid $200 for that stupid stereo! She talked me out of going on vacation with my grandparents so that she could go, and talked our neighbor friend into playing with me while she was gone. She kept telling my little brother that I was a "psycho" and would teach him to call me that when he was learning to talk, and then would laugh when he would say it. She would call me "lezzie" or "lesbo" and tell my little brother that I was a lesbian. If I played with or kissed my little brother, she would call me lesbo and tell me the only reason I was kissing him was because I couldn't get a boyfriend. She would make up stories about me and tell them at work or to our neighbor. She told people I went on the roof to get a frisbee down and while I was up there she took the ladder away and I was stuck on the roof. Never happened. She also told them that she was chasing me with snowballs and chased me onto the scaffolding next to my bedroom window and she spent hours pelting me with snowballs. Never happened. The one thing that did happen that was probably the worst, was when we were at my grandparents house in Florida. The bathroom door didn't have a lock and while I was in there she took a picture of me on the toilet and told me she was going to show her friends. My mom never did anything to her to punish her for what she did.
Physical abuse - often! Punching, kicking, hitting, bloody noses, shoving.
D./ Brother
Emotional abuse - participated in calling me psycho, lesbo, lezzie or whatever the name was that day. He would tell my mother I was hitting him when I wasn't and then laugh when I would get spanked or yelled at.
H./ Maternal Grandmother
Emotional abuse - yelling, name calling. She once hung a picture of me in the bathroom. After I came downstairs from using the bathroom I asked why my picture was hanging in there. She said, "That face would scare the shit out of anyone as they sat there." She also told us, every time she would visit, that we were going to put my mother in an early grave. That my mom was going to die young because we didn't help her around the house. One day she kept calling me "Crisco." Finally, I asked, "Why do you keep calling me Crisco?" She said, "Because you're fat in the can."
J./ Paternal Grandfather
Emotional abuse - yelling, always yelling. Always asking my dad, "What are those kids doing now?" He was a very nasty drunk. My step grandmother had to call my dad to come and bring him upstairs one time because she couldn't wake him up. He got drunk and fell off of the barstool in his bar. He went to the hospital because he broke his hip that day. He died from alcohol withdrawal while he was there.
B./ Uncle
Physical abuse - the first and only time I ever met this person, I was six years old. My sister and I were watching something on television, and the kid on the show switched the sugar for the salt and vice versa. I thought this looked like a good idea, and nobody on the show got in trouble. So I went upstairs and put *some* salt into the sugar. I didn't switch them for each other because I didn't have anything to hold the sugar while I poured the salt in. So this man sees me and says, "What did you just do?" And I said, "Nothing." And he said, "I saw you pour salt into that sugar." Then he sat on the stairs and said, "Come here." So I went over to him and he said, "If you were my little girl," and then he grabbed me, turned me over his knee, and proceded to beat my ass. And not one adult in that room did a damn thing to help me. I hated everyone that night and didn't come back up until he left hours later.
B./ Cousin
Sexual abuse - I hate doing this...I don't know all of what was going on. Some of it was fun and I don't want to write it. Part of it is the shame, part of it is that it is not as bad as some people had it. I'm pretty sure there was no penile penetration. Right now, all I can say is that it was a game, and I was made to believe that it was fun. I was blindfolded. It was fun to have someone's undivided attention. He told me I was a good speller. I can't do anymore right now.
What you may have experienced from your perpetrators has probably left pain for many years. This pain is often free-floating inside of you. You may rarely or never talk about what exactly happened, and so it may remain like an emotional blob of gel that you don't seem to have crystallized inside.
In your recovery, it will be important to have these pains you have been medicating all these years to be as crystallized as possible. This will be helpful for you to identify what exactly happened and later to process your feelings about these events.
In this exercise, you will do exactly that: crystallize the memory. In the previous exercise, you wrote down your perpetrators and their general offenses. It is now time to get specific. List the perpetrator and write down in as much detail as you possibly can exactly what your perpetrator did.
J./ Mother
Emotional abuse - shamed and yelled at me regularly. Shamed for my voice ("Your voice goes right through me."). Shamed for OCD-type habits I had (scrunching up my nose, blinking, turning on and off lights) which I couldn't help. Shamed for trying out new clothes/hairstyles (told I looked like a slut). Shamed for hygiene ("green teeth, swamp breath").
Physical abuse - slapped in the face for not doing laundry when she had company over, hit with a pair of sandals for asking for them more than once, hand crushed when in a public place if I was misbehaving in public, pinched, hair pulled, ears grabbed.
Spiritual abuse - telling me I was going to hell, or telling me to "go to hell." The only other thing (and this is kinda funny) was that my sister and I had these matching shirts. One said "I'm a little angel" and the other said "I'm a little devil." Guess which one yours truly had to wear (LOL). I remember being afraid of that shirt, too, 'cause I thought the devil would see me in it and think I wanted to go with him. And then when my sister outgrew the angel shirt, my mom wouldn't let me wear it. She told me she would buy the devil one in a bigger size.
Emotional neglect - lack of praise for good report cards, lack of participation at chorus/orchestra recitals, lack of interest college for me, lack of concern over my lack of friends, lack of interest in my interests.
Sexual neglect - failed to explain what sexual abuse was. When I told her what was going on, she told me to "Stop that kind of talk" and that my cousin would never do that. Gave me "the sex talk" when I was eight years old along with my sister who was eleven. This way she didn't have to do it twice. By the time I got my period, I had forgotten what she told us or I just wasn't paying attention when she told me, and I was really freaked out when I got it for the first time.
D./ Father
Emotional abuse - yelled at when we took off sick from school. Threatened with the belt for not going to bed. Confusion over his drinking, which included swearing and hand gestures to other drivers. He once accidentally touched my breast when he was drinking. He came home late after drinking on the eve of one Easter and was supposed to color eggs with us, but instead knocked over the bar in the living room, breaking all of the glassware behind it. And he would often drink so much that he would vomit, which scared me a lot.
Physical abuse - he hit me with the belt one time after he was drinking, which was unusual because he was usually a pretty happy drunk. But my mom wasn't home that time and I mouthed off at him for coming home drunk when he didn't even come home to feed us kids, so I got the belt for that. I don't remember what I did to get hit with the belt the other times, but my dad always used the belt, never his hand, when he would hit us. I didn't get hit often, but enough times for me to remember that it was more than once.
D./ Sister
Emotional abuse - holy crap. This chic was *mean* to me. She would hide at the top of the stairs or in my closet or behind doors and then jump out and scare me, and then laugh like crazy. She would tell me that if I would give her something (whatever I had that she wanted...candy, money, a toy) that she would play with me. So I would give it, and she would run away laughing and then never live up to the bargain. Or she would just blackmail me..."I'm gonna tell mom that you said the *b* word if you don't do what I say." One time when we were teenagers, she wanted a stereo. She told me if I paid half, that I could come in her room and listen whenever I wanted. I was allowed in once the first week she had it and then never again. And I paid $200 for that stupid stereo! She talked me out of going on vacation with my grandparents so that she could go, and talked our neighbor friend into playing with me while she was gone. She kept telling my little brother that I was a "psycho" and would teach him to call me that when he was learning to talk, and then would laugh when he would say it. She would call me "lezzie" or "lesbo" and tell my little brother that I was a lesbian. If I played with or kissed my little brother, she would call me lesbo and tell me the only reason I was kissing him was because I couldn't get a boyfriend. She would make up stories about me and tell them at work or to our neighbor. She told people I went on the roof to get a frisbee down and while I was up there she took the ladder away and I was stuck on the roof. Never happened. She also told them that she was chasing me with snowballs and chased me onto the scaffolding next to my bedroom window and she spent hours pelting me with snowballs. Never happened. The one thing that did happen that was probably the worst, was when we were at my grandparents house in Florida. The bathroom door didn't have a lock and while I was in there she took a picture of me on the toilet and told me she was going to show her friends. My mom never did anything to her to punish her for what she did.
Physical abuse - often! Punching, kicking, hitting, bloody noses, shoving.
D./ Brother
Emotional abuse - participated in calling me psycho, lesbo, lezzie or whatever the name was that day. He would tell my mother I was hitting him when I wasn't and then laugh when I would get spanked or yelled at.
H./ Maternal Grandmother
Emotional abuse - yelling, name calling. She once hung a picture of me in the bathroom. After I came downstairs from using the bathroom I asked why my picture was hanging in there. She said, "That face would scare the shit out of anyone as they sat there." She also told us, every time she would visit, that we were going to put my mother in an early grave. That my mom was going to die young because we didn't help her around the house. One day she kept calling me "Crisco." Finally, I asked, "Why do you keep calling me Crisco?" She said, "Because you're fat in the can."
J./ Paternal Grandfather
Emotional abuse - yelling, always yelling. Always asking my dad, "What are those kids doing now?" He was a very nasty drunk. My step grandmother had to call my dad to come and bring him upstairs one time because she couldn't wake him up. He got drunk and fell off of the barstool in his bar. He went to the hospital because he broke his hip that day. He died from alcohol withdrawal while he was there.
B./ Uncle
Physical abuse - the first and only time I ever met this person, I was six years old. My sister and I were watching something on television, and the kid on the show switched the sugar for the salt and vice versa. I thought this looked like a good idea, and nobody on the show got in trouble. So I went upstairs and put *some* salt into the sugar. I didn't switch them for each other because I didn't have anything to hold the sugar while I poured the salt in. So this man sees me and says, "What did you just do?" And I said, "Nothing." And he said, "I saw you pour salt into that sugar." Then he sat on the stairs and said, "Come here." So I went over to him and he said, "If you were my little girl," and then he grabbed me, turned me over his knee, and proceded to beat my ass. And not one adult in that room did a damn thing to help me. I hated everyone that night and didn't come back up until he left hours later.
B./ Cousin
Sexual abuse - I hate doing this...I don't know all of what was going on. Some of it was fun and I don't want to write it. Part of it is the shame, part of it is that it is not as bad as some people had it. I'm pretty sure there was no penile penetration. Right now, all I can say is that it was a game, and I was made to believe that it was fun. I was blindfolded. It was fun to have someone's undivided attention. He told me I was a good speller. I can't do anymore right now.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Exercise 89
My Perpetrators
In the previous exercise, you took a look at the abuses and neglects you experienced during your growing up years. In this exercise, you are going to look at the people who were involved in these abuses and neglects.
I know at this point, you may be going into extremely painful territory. So painful that many of these issues may be the pain you were medicating for many years. It is important for your recovery and continued growth that you look at these abuses and neglects that you suffered.
In many of the incidences that you have experienced, you may have known the perpetrator's name. For some, these events happened in your own home by parents, stepparents, siblings or extended family. In other cases, there may be a casual relationship that preceded the abuse (i.e. a school teacher, another child at school, or a neighbor). You may not know the perpetrator's name. Maybe it happened once and you never saw that person again.
Whatever the name or relationship was, these events have been indelibly written into your life. Now it is time to write down your perpetrator's name (if known), relationship (if any), and the type of abuse that occurred and an approximate age that abuse/neglect happened.
Name/Relationship Abuse/Neglect Age
J. /Mother Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Father Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Sister Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Brother Emotional Abuse 10yrs. +
H. / Mat. Grandmother Emotional Abuse Ongoing
J. / Pat. Grandfather Emotional Abuse Ongoing
B./ Uncle Physical Abuse 6yrs
J. / Mother Physical Abuse 3-6yrs, 12yrs
D. / Father Physical Abuse ~10yrs
D. / Sister Physical Abuse Ongoing
J. / Mother Spiritual Abuse 4 yrs +
B. / Cousin Sexual Abuse 7yrs - 14 yrs
J. / Mother Emotional Neglect Ongoing
J. / Mother Sexual Neglect 11yrs +
In the previous exercise, you took a look at the abuses and neglects you experienced during your growing up years. In this exercise, you are going to look at the people who were involved in these abuses and neglects.
I know at this point, you may be going into extremely painful territory. So painful that many of these issues may be the pain you were medicating for many years. It is important for your recovery and continued growth that you look at these abuses and neglects that you suffered.
In many of the incidences that you have experienced, you may have known the perpetrator's name. For some, these events happened in your own home by parents, stepparents, siblings or extended family. In other cases, there may be a casual relationship that preceded the abuse (i.e. a school teacher, another child at school, or a neighbor). You may not know the perpetrator's name. Maybe it happened once and you never saw that person again.
Whatever the name or relationship was, these events have been indelibly written into your life. Now it is time to write down your perpetrator's name (if known), relationship (if any), and the type of abuse that occurred and an approximate age that abuse/neglect happened.
Name/Relationship Abuse/Neglect Age
J. /Mother Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Father Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Sister Emotional Abuse Ongoing
D. /Brother Emotional Abuse 10yrs. +
H. / Mat. Grandmother Emotional Abuse Ongoing
J. / Pat. Grandfather Emotional Abuse Ongoing
B./ Uncle Physical Abuse 6yrs
J. / Mother Physical Abuse 3-6yrs, 12yrs
D. / Father Physical Abuse ~10yrs
D. / Sister Physical Abuse Ongoing
J. / Mother Spiritual Abuse 4 yrs +
B. / Cousin Sexual Abuse 7yrs - 14 yrs
J. / Mother Emotional Neglect Ongoing
J. / Mother Sexual Neglect 11yrs +
Exercise 88
Abuses and Neglects
During your Fourth Step, you made a column entitled "Ugly." In this section of your Fourth Step, you listed events that happened to you that were not your fault, although they still impacted your life. It is now time to look at these events and begin recovery from them as part of your recovery.
Many have experienced various forms of abuses growing up. Some emotional abuse instances could consist of being shamed or yelled at regularly, being cut down or humiliated. Emotional neglect could consist of not being talked to, nurtured or cared for, or asked as to how you felt. Physical abuse for some is being hit or watching others being hit. Physical neglect would include being improperly clothed, not having food for a length of time, and inadequate shelter. Spiritual abuse is sometimes being emotionally or physically abused while your parents justify this by their religious beliefs. Some sexual abuse instances would include exposure to pornography, verbal sexual innuendos, sexual touches, and any sexual behaviors between siblings or parents. Sexual neglect is not informing you about your body changes and about sex.
In the space below, check the areas of abuse and or neglects you feel you have experienced.
Abuses
Emotional - I was shamed and yelled at with some degree of regularity, moreso shamed though.
Physical - Though infrequent, I do remember being whacked on occasion. It is clear to me now
that it was always during times of extreme stress for either of my parents.
Spiritual - Probably my parents telling me I would wind up in hell was not a good choice on their
part.
Sexual - I was encouraged to participate in sexual acts with a male relative by him showering
me with attention and the sex acts being called a game. I was blindfolded during the
game, so I wasn't really sure of what happened.
Neglects
Emotional - The silent treatment was used often in my childhood home when I was bad. I don't
ever remember being asked how I "felt" about anything.
Physical - No
Spiritual - Unsure
Sexual - I was not equipped with information on sex or physical changes from my parents. My
mother swears she had "the talk" with me and my sister at the same time. Problem is,
my sister is three years older than me. So if she got "the talk" when she was eleven,
that would have made me only eight. When I started my menstrual cycle, I was
shocked and scared. I showed my mom and she said, "So what. Get a maxi pad and
put it on." I really couldn't believe her attitude toward me, then or now.
During your Fourth Step, you made a column entitled "Ugly." In this section of your Fourth Step, you listed events that happened to you that were not your fault, although they still impacted your life. It is now time to look at these events and begin recovery from them as part of your recovery.
Many have experienced various forms of abuses growing up. Some emotional abuse instances could consist of being shamed or yelled at regularly, being cut down or humiliated. Emotional neglect could consist of not being talked to, nurtured or cared for, or asked as to how you felt. Physical abuse for some is being hit or watching others being hit. Physical neglect would include being improperly clothed, not having food for a length of time, and inadequate shelter. Spiritual abuse is sometimes being emotionally or physically abused while your parents justify this by their religious beliefs. Some sexual abuse instances would include exposure to pornography, verbal sexual innuendos, sexual touches, and any sexual behaviors between siblings or parents. Sexual neglect is not informing you about your body changes and about sex.
In the space below, check the areas of abuse and or neglects you feel you have experienced.
Abuses
Emotional - I was shamed and yelled at with some degree of regularity, moreso shamed though.
Physical - Though infrequent, I do remember being whacked on occasion. It is clear to me now
that it was always during times of extreme stress for either of my parents.
Spiritual - Probably my parents telling me I would wind up in hell was not a good choice on their
part.
Sexual - I was encouraged to participate in sexual acts with a male relative by him showering
me with attention and the sex acts being called a game. I was blindfolded during the
game, so I wasn't really sure of what happened.
Neglects
Emotional - The silent treatment was used often in my childhood home when I was bad. I don't
ever remember being asked how I "felt" about anything.
Physical - No
Spiritual - Unsure
Sexual - I was not equipped with information on sex or physical changes from my parents. My
mother swears she had "the talk" with me and my sister at the same time. Problem is,
my sister is three years older than me. So if she got "the talk" when she was eleven,
that would have made me only eight. When I started my menstrual cycle, I was
shocked and scared. I showed my mom and she said, "So what. Get a maxi pad and
put it on." I really couldn't believe her attitude toward me, then or now.
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