Exercise 85

My Relationship With Dad

Describe your relationship with your dad as you remember it as a child.

My dad and I had some good times when I was a child. Overall, the relationship was good. I idolized my dad. I used to sit on his lap when he would read the newspaper, I could usually be found outside working with him, raking leaves, pulling weeds, whatever the project called for. I do remember being the only one of my parents' children working alongside either of my parents. My siblings usually made themselves pretty scarce when there was work to be done. No worries, though. I had, at least for the moment, my mom or dad to myself, so if it meant hard work, it seemed to be worth the effort it took. I didn't know that my dad had a drinking problem until I was a little bit older, maybe ten or twelve years old. I do remember that my dad was just this really silly, funny man when he would drink his beer. Sometimes I enjoyed his unpredictability when he would drink. He would drive recklessly and beep his horn and yell obscenities at the other drivers. As a kid, that was cool. The freedom of flying along in a car at pretty good speeds. My cousin liked it too. She would sleep over at my house sometimes and we would scream in the backseat of the station wagon on the drive back to our house. Some gifts that we kids bought him, as children, had beer logos on them. I almost always stuck up for my dad when there was a disagreement. He rarely had any backing, so I would back him up. He knew he had a friend in me, so on holidays I would get gifts that my dad would pick out. Usually my mom shopped for everyone, but my dad would do some of the shopping for me, so it made me feel special. I was like the son he didn't have, even though he had a son when I turned six.

Describe your relationship with your dad as you remember it as a teenager.

Around this age, I started understanding why the drinking was a problem. My dad was a binge drinker. I don't know if that qualifies as an alcoholic. He never missed work due to drinking, but he missed other things, like Easter. Most times, at this age, my dad was someone I enjoyed talking to. He would teach me things like how to change a tire, how to use a table saw, and would talk to me about which colleges looked good, even though financially I would not go because I felt bad saddling my parents with a bill that they could not afford. He was always impressed by my school grades so I worked hard to keep them up. But, I was beginning to understand why my older sister was so embarrassed by him. A few times when she would invite people over, my dad would be sitting in his underwear watching football and drinking beer. He also had too much to drink one night when we had our neighbor friend in the car with us and was yelling out the window at people as we would drive by them (mom was driving). My sister was mortified. When he would drink, he just wasn't quite as funny anymore as when I was a kid. I began to worry about car accidents and about what people thought of my situation. I started having anxiety attacks when I was fourteen. One time he accidentally touched my breast after drinking too much. He was trying to line up the stripes on my shirt. That pissed me off big time. And I hated it that he would make those noises when he would see a pretty woman "mmmmmm."

Describe your relationship with your dad as an adult.

It is definitely good. He is doing the father-son thing with my husband. I know that I am capable of doing some pretty "manly" things due to my relationship with my dad. This is okay for me because I feel self-sufficient as a result. He still gives me advice on everything, but often times he is right and I am grateful for the resource I have in him. But he doesn't make me feel guilty either if I don't take his advice. He respects my opinions and will often ask for my opinion on issues.

I feel happy about my relationship with my dad because...

I learned a lot from him. He supported me in my nerdiness. He's a great guy when he doesn't drink. Some people would say he's a great guy when he does. I wouldn't. He is fun to be around. He can talk about any subject. He's down to earth, typical middle class man. Fred Flintstone or Ralph Kramden is who I would equate him with.

I feel sad about my relationship with my dad because...

Many times my mom was not fulfilling my dad's emotional needs, and he would lean on me. She did not always want to listen to his stories or ideas so he would tell them to me. This would put me at odds with my mom because she felt like I was betraying her by listening to him. It's just all too crazy for me. She would try to starve him by ignoring him and then would get mad when he was being fed by me listening to him. So either way, I would lose.

I feel mad about my relationship with my dad because...

I hated that he didn't have the guts to stand up to my mother and my sister who were laughing at his social clumsiness and sometimes incompetence. They were being disrespectful and he would not even request that they stop. I wanted to scream, "Dad, take your balls out! Show them what you are made of!" And now I marry a man who does just that! Coincidence??? Also, my dad's drinking left me with some really crappy memories and his ogling women still annoys me.

My wishes for our relationship are...

To continue to respect each other and for him to stop encouraging my husband to participate in certain bad behaviors (i.e. looking at women, drinking).

Letter to my dad:

Dad,

What would you say if you could read all of the things I just wrote? Do you remember any of these things? Would you say this is an accurate recollection of how things were? It was years ago, but the memories remain.

I guess now it's my turn to have mom and Dawn standing behind me as I start berating you. I wish all of the great times with you were not overshadowed by the crappy memories of you indulging yourself in alcohol. I just, as a mother, need to ask you what the hell you were thinking when you would take my life in your hands by driving DRUNK, not even under the influence, but piss drunk, man? Are you somehow different from the other drunk drivers on the road? You're special? You're too smart and too good a driver to get caught? Okay, remember the cat you ran over on your way home from drinking with your dad? I do. I remember us kids crying and you wouldn't go back to move it to the side of the road. It could have just as easily been a child, and you are damn lucky it wasn't. How would you have lived with yourself after something like that?

I remember the first time I heard you vomiting after having too much to drink. I was scared that you were going to die that night. I remember thinking you were going to die some of the other times you would get sick from drinking too. I couldn't believe mom would be laughing at you. I was terrified.

And what was with the porn and looking at other women? I know you have no idea about this but Pete was arrested for sex addiction. Do you know what this stuff does to marriages? I was almost divorced over this garbage. I know mom acts like she doesn't care, but I sincerely hope that on some level she does. That she hasn't become so apathetic that it truly doesn't matter to her. Do you know that I was looking at some of your porn as a kid? These were formative years, dad. Why were you so careless?

I think I'll save the praise for when I see you in person, and let you know all the things you did "right" at that time. For now, the only thing I can offer you is forgiveness, if you want it. I can still love you even though I don't understand why you did the things you did.

Love,
D