Step Six

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

Entirely

When you think of the word entirely, many pictures may come to mind. One of the most vivid pictures is that of a sprint runner who has her foot on the block and hands in the dirt in front of the white line while looking a the gun which is ready to go off. This is an appropriate picture for entirely. Entirely is 100% ready to do something. Many partners in the past have been entirely ready to destroy their lives for a relationship with the sex addict to avoid pain from the past. Now you have come to another point in your life where you are entirely ready after completing Steps One through Five to further better yourself.


What are some of the words you think of when you think of the word entirely?

1. Completely, totally

2. Wholly, 100%

3. All, fully


What are some of the feelings you have when you think of the word entirely?

I feel surrender.

I feel abandon.


What are a couple of examples in your life when you were entirely ready to do something?

I was entirely ready to go to nursing school. I had completed all of the financial aid forms, taken the placement exams, set up childcare for the boys, and was motivated.

I was entirely ready to go on vacation to Disney. Everything was packed, the house was completely cleaned, the house and pets were going to be taken care of by my sister in law, the trip was paid for, and the car was checked out and filled with gas.


What were some of the major instances that made you "entirely ready?"

I think it was just the determination to have my life "better" than it was. Better job, better pay, better time.


To Have God


Who has God become to you during your journey through Steps One through Five?

He has become my Protector, my Redeemer, my Fortress, my Hope, my Strength, my Victor.


What roles is He filling in your life?

Provider, Comforter, Friend, Guide, Life Coach, Counselor.


What feelings do you have toward God at this point?

Love, gratitude, peace, awe.


Why do you think that you need "to have God" involved in this part of your healing process?

Because I'm not able to do this stuff by myself. It has never worked before. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results. That is what I have been doing up until now. I guess it's like having something in your eye. Even if you can get to the mirror, sometimes you can't see to take the foreign body out of your eye. And it's one of those oddities where it's too freaky to touch your own eye, like how you can't tickle yourself. God's gonna have to do it for me. And I'm gonna have to let him, not by sticking my fingers in the mix, but by sitting still and keeping my eye open. This will be very difficult for me, the control thing again.


How have you relied upon God in the past?

Mostly, I've relied on myself and my own understanding - my defect of character called self-will, or self-sufficiency. Although, when my son was having surgery, I relied on God for comfort.


What aspects or characteristics of God are you relying upon to help in the process of removing your defects of character?

Forgiveness, discernment, compassion, mercy.


Remove

Remove is another word in your healing process that can mean something very painful for a partner. Remove in the form of an analogy can mean "to remove weeds from your grass, pulling them up" or in another picture to "remove a tumor that in the future could kill you."


What are some words that come to you when you think of the word remove?

1. Take away

2. Get rid of

3. Erradicate

4. Physically extract


What are some of the feelings you have when you think of something being removed from you?

I feel emptiness, but also roominess.

I feel pain.


What are some of the things that have been removed from you up to this point in your recovery?

1. My sense of control over my husband

2. Lots of my shame

3. The "God hates me" complex


How do you feel about these things being removed?

I feel lighter and more free. I feel really, really good. Like an ordinary human. I used to feel like a complete and total wretch. Having those feelings removed has been very liberating.


How has God been involved in the removal process?

As I've done each Step with the group, I've also done it with God as the person who is listening. It has helped to turn it over and admit that I can't do it without him.


All

All means quite a bit to anyone in the healing process.

What are some of the words that come to mind when you think of the word all?

1. Every

2. Each

3. 100% of


What percentage is all?

100%


What percentage do you want all to mean when you talk about removing your defects of character?

100%


Defects

What are some of the defects that you have seen in your past?

Ages 1-12


1. Strong willed

2. Insulting

3. Loud

4. Lying


Ages 13-20


1. Holding on to grudges, being hostile

2. Being a know it all

3. Gossiping, lying

4. Sarcasm

5. Strong willed


Ages 21-30


1. Holding onto grudges

2. Gossiping, lying

3. Sarcasm

4. Rude and insulting

5. Strong willed, rigid


Ages 31-40


1. Pridefulness and desire to always be right

2. Gossip and lying

3. Holding onto grudges

4. Rude and insulting

5. Sarcasm

6. Rigid


What are some of the defects you have in relating to:

Yourself?


1. Detachment, "zoning out"

2. Overindulgent

3. Lazy

4. Prideful


Your family of origin?


1. Unforgiveness

2. Anger

3. Judgement


Your spouse?


1. Impatience

2. Judgement

3. Expecting perfection


Your children?


1. Not fully present

2. Critical and harsh

3. Expecting perfection


Your employer?


1. Put off mandatories

2. Lack of interest in getting ahead

3. Pettiness


Financially?


1. Not tithing

2. Too flexible with budgeting

3. Not saving adequately


Socially?


1. Anxious

2. Pacifist - phoniness

3. Embarrass easily


Spiritually?


1. Wax and wane

2. Self willed, self sufficiency

3. Weak in scripture


At this point, take some time and compile a full list of these defects of character.

Place how long each character defect has been in your life. Now, looking at these defects of character, what percentage of each of these defects are you ready to have God remove? Write a percentage by each one.

Defects Length of time Percentage

1. Indifference/Apathy 20 years 75%

2. Laziness/Sloth 25 years 60%

3. Pride 35 years 70%

4. Unforgiveness/Resentments 35 years 65%

5. Quick to judge 35 years 100%

6. Quick to anger 35 years 100%

7. Overindulgence/Gluttony 22 years 60%

8. Impatience 33 years 100%

9. Perfectionism 35 years 70% (3/6/08 - 100%)

10. Critical 23 years 80%

11. Abusive/Harsh 22 years 100%

12. Procrastination 30 years 80%

13. Lack of drive to get ahead 20 years 60%

14. Selfishness 30 years 100%

15. Self centeredness 35 years 100%

16. Lust 12 years 100%

17. Anxiety/Fear 33 years 50%

18. Dishonesty/Phoniness 30 years 90% (3/6/08 - 100%)

19. Intolerance 12 years 80%

20. Wax/Wane Spiritually 18 years 100%

21. Self willed/Self sufficiency 35 years 90%

22. Stubbornness 35 years 85%

23. Hypocritical 22 years 100%

24. Envious 27 years 100%

25. Controlling 26 years 75%

26. Gossiping 18 years 90%

27. Self pity 35 years 100%

28. Pettiness 23 years 90%


Take time with each one of these character defects and write a paragraph on a seperate piece of paper about what life would be like without this defect in your life.


1. Indifference - I would find myself more deeply connected to the people I love, and passionate about their lives. I would be more encouraging towards my children's and husband's interests.

2. Laziness/Sloth - Life would be neater, cleaner, and more organized. Healthy food would be prepared on a regular basis. Less time would be spent trying to locate items. I'd be trimmer and healthier from exercising regularly.

3. Pride - I would be able to ask for help when I needed it and wouldn't feel so overwhelmed all of the time. I would stop spending so much time trying to hide all of these defects from other people.

4. Unforgiveness - I'd be releasing myself while at the same time releasing the other person. God will forgive me if I forgive others. I'd be abiding in Christ.

5. Quick to judge - I'd spend a lot less time being dead wrong. I'd spend more time listening to the truth. I don't want to be judged by the same measure that I judge others.

6. Quick to anger - living with a lower level of stress, I'd live longer and probably much happier. I'd be a better mother to my children. People would stop worrying about whether I'm going to "get mad" and whether they should lie to me.

7. Overindulgence - I'd be a lot thinner, I'd be saving more money, and I'd be more mentally disciplined.

8. Impatience - I'd have better relationships in general with my husband and children. I'd be living in the here and now, and not in the future. I'd be able to delay my gratification and work in God's timetable instead of mine.

9. Perfectionism - I'd be more forgiving of myself and of others. I wouldn't set myself or anyone else up for failure by having unrealisitic expectations. I'd be at peace, knowing that none of us is perfect.

10. Critical - mine and my family's self esteem would be in much better shape. My children would be free to be who they are and not who *I* want them to be.

11. Abusive/Harsh - honesty would flourish and fear would dissipate. Trust would run rampant.

12. Procrastination - I'll get back to this one (ha, ha!). No late fees on bills, more money, less embarrassment from getting things in late, more peace - a settled mind.

13. Lack of drive to get ahead in my career - I'd have my AS or BSN by now. I'd be employed full time, with no financial stress and be able to retire without worries.

14. Selfishness - I'd be tithing, making more donations, and having more fun with my family.

15. Self-centeredness - family relations would be thriving. I'd be a good example for the kids of how a family should interact, with everyone's needs being important and not just mine.

16. Lust - my motives would be pure and I'd have a clean conscience.

17. Anxiety/Fear - I'd be sleeping through the night every night. I'd have complete and total trust in God to provide for and protect our family. I would trust that God would show me what I need to know regarding my husband. I would be less overbearing with the children, because I would be trusting that God would be caring for them in my absence.

18. Dishonesty/Phoniness - I would be honest about who I am, what I believe, and what I know. I could easily admit my imperfections, my children's imperfections, and my responsibility for some of their imperfections.

19. Intolerance - accepting where SIL is in her recovery, accepting people for who they are and where they are in their lives spiritually, emotionally, financially.

20. Waxing/Waning Spiritually - more consistently attending church, reading the Bible regularly, paying attention to spiritual self care. Scripture committed to memory.

21. Self Will/Self Sufficiency - I'd be relying fully on God, praying for God's will instead of my own. I'd be putting God rightfully first all of the time in my life. And I'd finally let go of all of these defects and let God remove them.

22. Stubbornness - I'd be more flexible when changes need to be made, have a more "go with the flow" attitude. I'd be more accepting and respectful of other's ideas, plans, and points of view. I'd be more accepting of "defeat" in my life.

23. Hypocritical - I would be accepting no less of myself than I accept from other family members. The behavior I expect from my children, I would be modeling for them, instead of dictating to them.

24. Envious - I am content with myself and what I have. I am in a constant state of gratitude for everything in my life.

25. Controlling - I would be knowing that God is in control of everything, not interfering or trying to manipulate outcomes. I'd be in a state of allowing and letting.

26. Gossiping - I would walk away from gossip. I would speak of people as if they were physically present during the conversation and try to defend the person being gossiped about.

27. Self pity - I would realize that everyone has burdens, some heavier, some lighter, but that nobody gets out of this life without problems. I would be owning my responsibility for my problems, knowing that I am not a hopeless victim, and remembering to pray if I need help (and even if I don't).

28. Pettiness - Things are kept in perspective and not blown out of proportion.


Summarize your writings:

Although I see how much happier my life can be by giving all of these defects over to the care of God to remove, I still hesitate to do so. Maybe Einstein is right...maybe I am just insane, continuing to repeat my mistakes. I can only come to the conclusion that they must be serving a purpose on some dysfunctional level.

Listing each defect individually will, I believe, really help me to slowly turn these things over one at a time and pray individually over each defect. This way, each one will receive the care and attention that it deserves if it is to stay out of my life permanently.

My impatience is working overtime on me, cajoling me to rush this Step. "Just put 100% for each one, and let's go on to Step Seven." I really do want to be the person above in those paragraphs. I'm sure I'll be even better than that person that I envision once God is done with me. But it's taking all of my strength right now to "take it easy" and slow down the process. I don't feel ready and I have to respect that.


Write the character defects that you are 100% ready to have God remove. Only write down the ones that you are totally ready to have God remove. In other words, if God could take this defect from you, would you let him have it and not want to take it back from him?

1. Quick to judge
2. Quick to anger
3. Impatience
4. Abusive/Harsh
5. Selfishness
6. Self centeredness
7. Lust
8. Spiritual instability
9. Hypocritical
10. Envious
11. Self pity

Have a time of prayer and meditation regarding your defects of character that you were not previously ready to have God remove. Now write the date you became entirely ready for Him to remove all of these defects.

Not ready yet.

Character

Character is what you are as a person and as we previously discussed, there are carbon spots. These are the things that are important for you to identify. If you know where the spots are, you can surely ask God to help you with them.

This ends your journey on Step Six. Step Six simply asks you to become entirely ready to have God remove all your defects of character. What you have done is list your defects, and have thought through what it would be like to have these defects removed.

What is the most significant thing you have learned about yourself in completing your Step Six?

Not done yet. I'll get back to you when I am. Up to this point, I have learned that I am not perfect. As a matter of fact, I am quite imperfect. I am stubborn and even have a hard time letting go to God!

Exercise 93

Step Six

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

Defects of character may be more obvious to you now that you have written and acknowledged your story to God, yourself, and another human being. In Step Six, you can begin to see some of your limitations or things that are less than positive about yourself. Before you can become "entirely ready," it has been helpful to take some reflective time and list your defects of character. In no particular order, writing down your defects (i.e.: impatient, manipulative, selfish) helps you to know what it is that you are getting ready to have God remove.

The simplist way to do this, is to list in the left hand column your character defects. Next to each character defect, write the percentage of willingness to have God remove this defect (example: selfishness - 75%). Review your list regularly until there is a 100% next to each defect. During the starting of this list and it's completion, you may want to pray over those areas that are less than 100%.

Behaviors supporting a Step Six are as follows:

Behaviors

1. A list made of "defects of character."

2. A regular review until 100% "entirely ready."

3. Prayer during the process of becoming "entirely ready."

4. Discussions about defects taking longer to be "entirely ready."

Date I became "entirely ready" to have God remove my defects of character: